25 MORE YEARS!

Highlights from the 50th Annual Tropical Heatwave.

What will Heatwave look like at its next big anniversary? We suspect the programming turf war between old guard and youngbloods will continue ...

7 p.m. Jesus Christ makes his annual kick-off speech, which includes the same tired, decade-old jokes He told at His Second Coming press conference about how everybody got it so wrong.

7:20 p.m. The MNF All-Stars perform. Randy Wynne III, Lorelei Farver-Lorei and Toby Reisinger play folk favorites from the 1990s. A perplexed murmur runs through the small crowd as the musicians pull acoustic guitars from their cases.

8:10 p.m. The Gramps. They've asked to play an early set.

9 p.m. The Termite Mutants (the band, not the race) kicks things off at the Old World Brewery local stage with some punk rock that's heavy on the new school, which borrowed from the old school that made fun of the old new school, that was doing something different from the old old school's interpretation of the old old new school. Somebody in the crowd derisively refers to them as "chemo."

9:20 p.m. Rapper's Delite: Chuck D., Ice T, Ton Loc and Kanye West pass the mic in a nostalgic tribute to early hip-hop. They're backed by local band [email protected]

10:05 p.m. Surf Rock Flashback: A Dick Dale Hologram.

10:37 p.m. Eva Longoria look-alike contest. No women enter, only drag queens.

11 p.m. Bobby Bare Junior, Jr. — Bobby Bare III just doesn't have that twang — stuns the crowd with a set of songs that hark back to the golden age of drum 'n' bass 'n' post-Zydeco, a genre that hasn't been popular for at least a decade. His DJ is a bit weak.

11:15 p.m. Zuur, Emperor of Luthanxx Prime, beams yet another promise to purge the galaxy of "humanity's fleshy plague" directly into the heads of everyone, including Heatwave attendees. Several jokes regarding the number of times Zuur has made this threat — and his sexual prowess — are made, before everybody goes back to doing what they were doing.

Midnight. Alejandro Escovedo plays.

12:10 a.m. Neko Case makes her Heatwave debut.

1 a.m. LaFavorite Sons, a Jimmy LaFave cover band. Last year, the roots rocker died tragically on stage while performing his 871st WMNF concert. Randy Wynne introduces the act via 3D transmission from his nursing home bed. (Some folks in the crowd comment that he could've been a bit livelier.)

1:23 a.m. A patron is caught attempting to sell organic-meat jerky to other concertgoers. In accordance with the Zero Tolerance Vegetarian Health and Happiness Act of 2014, he is killed and eaten on the spot.

1:27 a.m. Somebody whispers to somebody else that the band currently onstage at Orpheum sounds too much like The Velvet Underground.

2:44 a.m. Latrine break.

2:53 a.m. Somebody mentions to somebody else that back in the day, accordions were associated with traditional Jewish and Eastern European musical styles. In accordance with the Everybody's Everything So Shut The Fuck Up About Your Heritage Act of 2009, he is killed and eaten on the spot.

3:01 a.m. The Termite Mutants (the race, not the band) emerge from their subterranean tunnels to devour the stragglers.

About The Authors

Eric Snider

Eric Snider is the dean of Bay area music critics. He started in the early 1980s as one of the founding members of Music magazine, a free bi-monthly. He was the pop music critic for the then-St. Petersburg Times from ‘87-’93. Snider was the music critic, arts editor and senior editor of Weekly Planet/Creative...
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