A gonzo vibrator review: Jopen's Envy

"This toy is going to make me late for work," Lisa texted me at 7 a.m.

Like many women who have never used a vibrator, Lisa felt she didn't need one. And I suspect she thought owning a vibrator made her a sexual deviant or signified that she had trouble getting laid. In a way, vibrators are like sex. You often need someone more experienced to serve as your guide. Most women have a wacky aunt or a promiscuous friend who slips them their first vibrator as a gift. Like it or not, Lisa had me.


On a purely aesthetic level, Jopen's Envy struck me as a simple, classy vibrator that would be particularly good for a newbie. The sleek, pink, velveteen coat gives it the look of an oversized tube of lipstick. The Envy comes in three sizes. Jopen sent me the Envy 2, which measures in at 5.75 inches — big enough to get the job done, but small enough that my dick still towers over it with several fractions of an inch to spare.


The Envy meets my first criteria for a quality vibrator: it isn't intimidating. In addition to being smaller than my dick, it doesn't look like a veiny sea monster or space-age ray gun that seems set on a holster takeover of a vagina. This is particularly important for newbies who are worried about someone discovering their not so naught secret hidden in their nightstand.


The Envy also meets two of my other criteria for a quality vibrator: it's rechargeable and waterproof. You don't have to worry about searching the house for batteries or getting the power cord tangled in your sexual machinery. It comes with a detachable USB cord that plugs into your computer. The waterproof design also makes the toy easy to incorporate into bath time and easy to clean.


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The Envy comes with several other features that I don't consider too important, though I suppose you would notice them if they were absent: The silicone skin is hypoallergenic and retains body heat to prevent the sensation that a cold, foreign agent is probing you; the PowerBullet motor is billed as "whisper quiet"; and the toy comes with a one-year warranty, though I suspect few people would have the ovaries to call a customer service rep and explain their vibrator troubles.


The mistake many women make with a vibrator is the same mistake many men make when first fingering a woman. We assume that deep insertion is required. In both cases, you will do better to concentrate on the clit. As soon as I pressed the length of the Envy against Lisa, she stopped kissing me, closed her eyes, and started breathing heavy. In a minute she laid back, gripping knots of bed sheets in both hands. It had warmed her up more efficiently than I ever could.


After testing out a few scenarios, we slipped into the bath where I noted that the vibrator was the same color as Mr. Bubble. The entire time, I kept thinking how the Envy's quiet hum provided the Buddhist "Ommm" many people make while meditating in a candle lit bathroom.


At some point I wrapped my innerspace astronaut in his latex spacesuit so he could help test the full potential of this crotch rocket. From the shower we moved in front of the full-length mirrors in the living room, then back to the bed. At various times Lisa stripped the toy from my hand and threw it down when it interrupted my rhythm. This demonstrated another aspect of the vibrator: it's durable enough to be tossed around. At other times Lisa searched for the Envy in the folds of sheets and handed it back to me to help guide her back toward orgasm.


All in all, Lisa hit three orgasms compared to the zero to two she normally reaches with me. I asked about the aspects of the toy that I could not comment on. The first thing she noticed was that the Envy made her vagina more swollen with blood and more aroused than usual. As predicted, she wasn't really interested in the insertion aspect. She liked it when I rubbed the toy against her clit throughout all stages of our sexcapade. Overall, Lisa thought the Envy felt much better than she expected. I, on the other hand, was disappointed that the toy had not ignited a slew of orgasms, one right after another like the finale of a fireworks display my imagination had unrealistically conceived.


The only flaw we found with the Envy was its pre-programmed pulse patterns. We couldn't find a setting that offered a simple, constant vibration, nor could we figure out how to change the vibration speeds, (though the toy supposedly came with incremental speed controls). The closest things we found to a constant setting were vibrating patterns that went in waves, mimicking the rise and fall of arousal. Maybe these are an acquired taste, but I would trade all the fancy pulse patterns for a single, constant setting.


I sent Lisa home with the Envy to do some solo tests. Here are some of the texts I received the following week.


Lisa (7 a.m.): "This toy is going to make me late for work."


Lisa: "I want to get two toys. One for my house and one for yours."


Lisa: "It makes me feel euphoric like a kind of drug."


Lisa: "I haven't been in the mood to use it lately. It's kind of boring without you to play with."


I am going to chalk this last statement up to my penis's superiority as opposed to the Envy's inefficiency. This should be a lesson to all men who are intimidated by vibrators. Vibrators for women are a lot like porn for men. Yes, they can make a woman climax with surprising efficiency, but they are no substitute for the real thing. The are a sexual aid. They are the penile enhancement women actually want you to get for their pleasure.



Check out Jopen's Envy for yourself at Jopen.com.


Follow Alfie on Twitter or Facebook and email him here

"I don't think I'm qualified to review a vibrator," Lisa said. "I've never used one before."

"You're qualified," I said. "You have a vagina, don't you?"

Just as the blind sometimes rely on seeing-eye-dogs, and the deaf require interpreters, I occasionally need a vagina.

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