A Poke in the Ego

There's nothing practical about practical jokes. You're trying to humiliate a buddy. You're a plotting, cruel, horrible — yeah, I can't wait to see the look on their face either.

Most practical jokes are cliché: frozen underwear, putting shaving cream in someone's hand and then dangling a string on their nose. And now there are the hardcore, juvenile pranks of the CKY2K variety that require retaliation until truce: punching, peeing on or smearing poop on someone in their sleep.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually mess with someone's mind for a change? Foolish guys can try this one: Buy a shade of lipstick foreign to your girlfriend's makeup collection and apply smears, fake kisses, etc. to intimate parts of your body (obliquely witnessed by someone she trusts). Allow detection of the lipstick and then play dumb until she starts wielding blunt objects.

For originality, make new use of predominant technology: e-mail, Photoshop, security scanners. Sign your boss up for junk email — Grow Penis Fast, Consolidate Debt, MSN Newsletter. Use Photoshop to paste your friends' faces onto the bodies of uniquely posed porn stars.

Here's a good twist on an old gag. Get a piece of fake crap, smear it with real dog doo and leave it on someone's windshield with a note underneath. When they come out and recognize it as fake crap, they'll pick it up and open the note. Yech.

If you have intimate knowledge of a friend and access to their living space, you might want to give this prank a shot. Discover the brand and model of a friend's "back massager" or simply their toothbrush. Buy one that's identical. Photograph a tour featuring this object, traveling from its home to various scenic spots. Along the way, enjoy the item in unsanitary activities with friends, pets, etc. Of course, finish up the well-documented adventure with shots of you returning it to its place of origin. Remember to not confuse the original and the ringer. Present the photos in grand fashion, or better yet leave them somewhere they'll be found.

It's all fun and games till someone gets emotionally scarred.

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