I came out as a nonbinary trans woman about five years ago, medically transitioning more recently. About a year ago, a cis lesbian swept me off my feet in this really new, vulnerable time. We started as a “summer fling,” but she insisted that she liked me too much to keep it at just that. She bought me a charm with my name, she annotated essays I sent her, and she asked for a lock of my hair to keep around her neck. One month in. She was an engineering major and so, so hot. As a tranny, it was insanely validating and kind of scary to be wanted by her. However, her mom was homophobic, and she wanted to focus on school. She broke things off awkwardly and I could not feel normal about it. I have literally never been loved so passionately. I kept texting her needily until she blocked me. Do I still have a chance? Am I cooked forever? Is this just what lesbianism is like? Please help me, Sapphic Sun.—Tripped-up T-girl
Hi Tripped-up, You don’t have a chance with her, but you don’t need it. Being a trans woman and a lesbian is a weird, loaded experience. Early on in my transition, I feared being seen as predatory, even for simply going on dates with people who knew I was trans and were attracted to me. When other women — cis or trans — were into me, I treated their attraction as a benevolent gift bestowed upon me, rather than a natural result of someone liking my looks and personality. Viewing attraction as a rare act of generosity made me scramble to convince the other that I was deserving of their love. The slightest sign of their attention turning away from me was like a terminal diagnosis, and any indication of passion towards me felt like a literary happy ending. My trans experience layered over my frantic pursuit of desire to make a terrible lasagna of self-doubt; validation from a woman I admired, cis or otherwise, made me feel like a “real lesbian” and gave me a fleeting sense of gender euphoria.
If I kept looking for my self-worth in a pile of flings and hookups, I would never find it. I changed my strategy. I went to therapy, and I focused on becoming someone I admire, someone whose love I would chase more fervently than that of some Tinder match. No matter how much you ask someone else to describe you, you will never get a picture as accurate as your own reflection. Grow to love the person you see in the mirror, and a loving gaze from her eyes will mean more to you than that of any other lover.
Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask
This may be easier said than done. It took me a long time to love myself so much, and the nagging feeling of doubt never really goes away. But it gets much quieter and easier to dismiss. And let me make this part clear: that voice is wrong. Being transgender is not a demerit to your value as a partner or what you deserve in a relationship. I see trans women settling for the worst, most toxic relationships if it means they “get” to be with a cis lesbian. Nobody should have that much power over you, but they gain it through exploiting your lack of self-worth.
If someone isn’t attracted to you or is incompatible with you for other reasons, it’s not personal. It’s about them and what they want. Those who are frequently rejected may feel disheartened, but it’s a part of life we all have to risk because there’s no other option.
And, for what it’s worth, it sounds like you didn’t experience being “loved so passionately.” It sounds like you tangled with someone who way overcommitted with affection because they liked that it made you happy, and who didn’t know how to stop until they were in too deep and got overwhelmed. This is one of many common relationship traps trans women fall into, and eventually you may come to think that some degree of mistreatment is an inevitability in relationships for our kind. Please know that love is real and accessible to you. Know that the real deal feels different than overwhelming empty passion, and you’ll know it when you have it. Until then, take my final piece of advice seriously. Write it on a sticky note, on your lockscreen, on your skin, wherever you need, but for the love of all that is holy please remember: NEVER, EVER SETTLE.
Yours in love, Jane Dyke
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This article appears in Oct. 30 – Nov. 5, 2025.