Bare minimum Halloween costume ideas for ballsy men (NSFW)

Favre, anyone? How about Chris Farley as a Chippendale?

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As a kid Halloween is sweet, but as an adult who doesn't have kids, Halloween is the biggest party night of the year. For women the holiday offers an opportunity to wear their overpriced lingerie some place where these purchases will actually be appreciated. For men like me who find male nudity humorous, Halloween is one of those rare occasions when you can run amok in any major city while wearing only your underwear and a superhero mask. With that in mind, I've compiled the below list of classic bare minimum costumes for ballsy men. While many of these outfits may appear to be more suited for men who spend more time working out than shopping for the perfect outfit, Halloween is one of those times when a large man can get laid simply by having a sense of humor about his body. The key with all of these costumes is finding that perfect balance between showing too much, and too little, skin, which is different for every body-type and every Halloween party. While I've listed the bare minimum you'll need to pull these costumes off, keep in mind that the more time you spend getting the details right, the more likely people will appreciate your costume instead of criticizing you for being a lazy, or disgusting, exhibitionist.

-Any Celebrity with a Photo Scandal-


Bare minimum: Some identifying element of the disgraced celebrity—a suit, a Brett Favre jersey, any of Chris Brown's imitation Michael Jackson outfits—as well as a cellphone and an oversized dildo.

Tips: All you really need to do is throw on one of your old Favre jerseys and stuff a huge rubber wang in your extra tight Wranglers. When a woman asks what your costume is supposed to be, pull both your phone and your dildo out of your pants, snap a photo of your rubber man meat, then ask for her number so you can text her the picture. Not only is this a minimalistic costume, but it is also a great way to start a healthy sexting conversation.

-LMFAO from "Sexy and I Know It"-


Bare Minimum: an afro wig, a large piece of flare hanging from your neck, a speedo and/or shorts made from neon animal print spandex, glasses with no lenses, Vans, and possibly a sleeveless shirt with neon print.

Tips: If you don't feel comfortable wearing a speedo, you can always go with the spandex shorts. Just make sure you rehearse a few "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle," moves for when one of LMFAO's songs comes on.

-The Other Wolf Pack-


Bare minimum: a magic marker or a bad shoulder tattoo, tight jeans you can cut into frayed jorts, and running shoes.

Tips: Like most men you thought Twilight was about a delusional attention whore hell bent on becoming a teenage mother. Still, there is no better way to show your disdain for the series than by having a one-night-stand with a woman who will sleep with you just because you can fill out a pair of frayed jorts like Taylor Lautner. This might actually work better if you have a beer belly, as you can draw on a ridiculous set of eight-pack abs. The more guys you get to participate, the funnier this will be. As always, the shorter you make your jorts the better.

-Male Stripper-


Bare minimum: Bow tie, cuffs cut from a white dress shirt, and a thong that highlights your personality. You will also need to decide whether to go with black pants and black shoes, or rip-away workout pants and running shoes.

Tips: The Chippendale's style stripper is perfect for larger guys, or Chris Farley fans. If you have a muscular body, you need to add some humor (i.e. a feathered Patrick Swayze wig). A few years ago I went the Party Boy/Chris Pontius route. When I showed up to a party in a tracksuit, a woman asked in a snarky tone, "What are you supposed to be?" I said I liked to dance. I showed her a few moves then tore off my clothes and began grinding the shit out of her. After that, the host made me pull the same trick on every woman who arrived at the party late.

-Loincloth Warrior-


Bare minimum: A loincloth and at least one other accessory like a club or a headband with a feather.

Tips: There are infinite interpretations of the loincloth warrior in pop culture. Which one you choose depends on your body type, your sense of humor, and what accessories you have available. Like so many of these costumes, you must find the perfect balance between showing too much and too little. If you have a muscular physique, consider wearing more on top, like a vest or half of a toga, while going extra short down below. If you are a round man, consider covering more below the waste while wearing an undersized harness for your sword that accentuates your belly.

-Perverse Superhero-


Bare minimum: a good imagination.

Tips: Instead of simply doing a shitty imitation of the latest movie version of a comic book superhero, remake your own perverted version of your favorite man of steel. This requires some imagination but it usually delivers a unique costume.

-Dick in Any Box-


Bare minimum: Box, scissors, paint, tape, and a set of balls.

Tips Step 1. cut a hole in the box. Step 2. Put your junk in that box. Step 3. Get women to open the box.

-The Man-Child-


Bare minimum: a kid's costume that contains plenty of stretchable material.

Tips: At its best, this costume can combine the adorability of one of those cute animal costumes with the sexiness of a toned midriff or the humor of a hairy belly. The key here is to look like you went with the last costume you found at the store and to act like this is the way it is supposed to fit. Just make sure you get a size large enough that it will not cut off your circulation or completely rip apart when you squeeze into it.

-Borat-


Bare minimum: This neon yellow thong (sold all over the Internet and in many adult stores), a mustache, and possibly a wig depending on your hair situation.

Tips: This is the perfect costume for tall, awkward guys with curly black hair and plenty of it. This may be one of the few occasions when your excessive body hair is actually cool. Be aware that there will probably be at least one other Borat at pretty much every party you hit. While he may not have the balls to wear this Speedo, you will also need to outshine him by staying in character.

-The Naked Cowboy-


Bare minimum: Whitey tighties, a magic marker, an acoustic guitar, a cowboy hat, white boots, and a smile.

Tips: Great for guys who actually know how to play guitar.


Follow Alfie on Twitter , Facebook , or at shawnalff.com
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