Britain's advice to teens: "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away"

This declaration makes America's founding fathers, what with their inalienable rights of life liberty and the pursuit of property, seem like puritanical, wig-wearing, fancy boys who couldn't tell a barn from a brothel. I've always been a bit jealous of Brits, with their girlfriend-stealing accents and the fact that binge drinking is their national sport, but now even their government seems cooler than ours (I guess a black president with his own Chia Pet just isn't hip enough anymore). While our FDA still can't approve a hormonal birth control for men, Britain's NHS is claiming that "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away."

"Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, and 30 minutes physical activity three times a week," the pamphlet reads, but "What about sex or masturbation twice a week?"

The leaflet claims that too much focus is put on the needs of safe sex and loving relationships instead of the joy and health benefits of sex.

The handbill was conceived after a study found that British teens who participated in a multimillion dollar Government program aimed at reducing teen pregnancy through sex ed and free condoms, were more than twice as likely to get pregnant as their ignorant counterparts.

Steve Slack, who authored the "Pleasure" pamphlet, gave the flimsy excuse that the leaflet would encourage the young to delay losing their virginity until they were sure they'd enjoy sex. Bullshit Doctor Dickenstein. Just come out and say it. This pamphlet is using reverse psychology. The government is trying to make sex as dry as British comedy and as bland as British food by claiming that sex is "cool" and "healthy." This process of governmental "unhipfication" had the same impact on Arnold Schwarzenegger. After he entered the politics, steroid freaks around the world stopped jerking off to his movies.

As with any great declaration, the pamphlet has its share of naysayers. They claim this document will encourage sex at earlier ages, boost STD and teen pregnancy rates, and add to moral degradation.

Slack claims teens have as much of a right to a good sex life as adults, so long as they are fully informed about sex. When I was a teen the only thing I was fully informed about was how to mix the perfect concoction of personal massage lotion out of simple household supplies.

My only real problem with the pamphlet is that like so many other sex writers, it claims sex is great for cardiovascular health. As CL contributor Emmalee Schmidt pointed out, sexercise can be a workout if you approach it as such, but most people burn more calories cleaning their sex toys (119 calories) for 30 minute than having sex (44 calories) This pamphlet was obviously written by people who aren't having sex on a regular basis. Sure there's the gymnastic sex we all dream about, where your entire house becomes a sex-scape of support beams and foot holds, but this type of sex is rare, even for Cirque du Soleil performers. The pamphlet should say that, especially in your teen years, sex is shorter than a high school passing period, consisting mainly of the girl squirming on her back and the boy writhing on top like an epileptic. Otherwise, sex is only regularly a workout when performed with someone who you're not attracted to (usually someone large enough to fit two of you inside them). In this case, you do break a considerable sweat, thrusting fast enough to start a fire, and rolling them on their belly to make it easier to imagine that you're just dry humping the mattress.

To read more about the "Pleasure" pamphlet check out the story at

When I was in public school, I developed such a phobia of sex from my health teachers' slides of flesh rotting STDs and flamboyant Priests' speeches about vaginas being highways to hell, that I genuinely feared my dick would spontaneously combust upon touching a girl. Consequently, I was a virgin well into college (actually, the static state of my virginity had more to do with the fact that I couldn't grow pubic hair until I was 18, but it feels better to blame religion and the government).

But times are changing. Britain's National Health Service (NHS) just published a pamphlet advising students that it's their "right" to have an enjoyable sex life.

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