Burgin planning election-night party at Chuck-e-Cheese

Sam: Listen, I’m thinking maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

Josh: Renting the bounce house?

Sam: No you fool. I’m talking about getting you to run in this race.

Josh: But you told me there could be a house in Arkansas in it for me if I won.

Sam: Jim Norman screwed the pooch for you on that one. There will be no house in Arkansas.

Josh: Mississippi?

Sam: Forget the house. The voters are on to us and it’s looking bad. I think what I will do is set up a 527 and run some ads suggesting Mark Sharpe is an out-of-touch geek who supports abortion on demand and wants to take away people’s guns. I’ll get Bill Bunting to say something stupid about the gun stuff.

Josh: (looking concerned) But that isn’t true.

Sam: Kid, nothing is true in politics when I get involved. We just need to fire up the base because this tax thing isn’t going according to plan. People seem to understand Sharpe hasn’t raised anybody’s taxes and that this referendum is about letting the voters decide if they want to pay an extra penny sales tax so they aren’t stuck in traffic. They keep whining about “democracy!” Screw democracy. Why the other day someone opposed to the tax told me they were still planning to vote for Mark Sharpe because he “is a decent public servant.” They’ve obviously watched Mr. Smith Goes to Washington too many times.

Josh: (agreeing) Yeah, traffic does really stink. I was on my way to the Children’s museum the other day and it took like FOREVER to get down Kennedy!  And my babysitter who lives in New Tampa said Bruce B. Downs takes like an hour to navigate.

Sam: (with a furrowed brow) Do you ever listen to the stuff you say?

Josh: Aw shucks! I just like to talk Uncle Sam.

Sam: Do not ever call me Uncle Sam again. You and I do not share the same DNA!

Josh: (pouting) Yes sir.

Sam: Here’s what you do. Go home and stay there until Election Day. Don’t talk to the press because they’re going to ask you questions you can’t answer without me. Avoid going to events because people are starting to see you have no grasp of how things work. And by all means, forget about Chuck-e-Cheese. I’ll get to work on some new mailings and will make some calls to the press about how biased and bigoted they are toward me.

Josh: (feeling dejected) Okay Sam. But if I win, can we still go to Disney World?

Chris Ingram is the president and founder of 411 Communications a corporate and political communications firm, and publisher of www.IrreverentView.com. Ingram is a frequent pundit on Fox News and CNN, and has written opinion columns for the Washington Times, UPI, Front Page Florida, and National Review online. E-mail him at: [email protected].

The Diner, Part II

A political satire about the antics of Sam and Josh

By Chris Ingram

(5:12 p.m. In the heart of Brandon at “Sam’s Café” in walks Josh, candidate for Hillsborough County Commission)

(Josh sits down and a lovely waitress hands him a menu)

Josh: Good afternoon, I’m Josh, I’m meeting Sam at 1:00 p.m.

Waitress: (looking at her watch) It’s 5:15.

Josh: I know. But Sam doesn’t really respect my time, and he usually shows up really late.

Waitress: (nodding in understanding) Okay honey, what would you like today?

Josh: Hamburger Helper and some French fries please!

Waitress: (rolling her eyes) Oh, I remember you. You’re the kid running for Mayor or something, right?

Commission candidate Josh Burgin

Josh: (smiling proudly) Actually miss, I am running for Hillsborough County Commission district 7, political advertisement paid for and approved by Sam Rashid. But I do think running for County Mayor will be in my cards.

Waitress: Sam is opposed to the County Mayor initiative. And we don’t serve Hamburger Helper here. This is the finest diner, I mean “bistro” in Brandon. Closest thing we’ve got to Hamburger Helper is a patty melt.

Josh: That would be awesome! Can you like put extra cheese on it? I’d also like a glass of chocolate milk with that.

Waitress: (walking away laughing to herself) You got it kid. I’ll bring you some crayons and a menu you can draw on too.

(A few hours later Sam walks in)

Sam: (looking angry) The newspapers are all over us for what they are suggesting is my questionable spending on your behalf and the campaign contributions my nineteen companies made to you. Don’t they know laws are made to be broken? And haven’t you done anything to raise money from anyone else?

Josh: I was going to like have a lemonade stand yesterday but it was raining, so I just planned my victory party instead. I’m like thinking we could rent a bounce house and serve hot dogs and snow cones or maybe just have it at Chuck-e-cheese – they have like the coolest games there.

Sam: Chuck-e-cheese! What are you an idiot?

Josh: No sir. I was home schooled and am very smart. Renting a bounce house is fine with me if you don’t like Chuck-e (Sam interrupts)

Sam: (getting angrier) There won’t be a victory party if we don’t get the press off this story! They’re all over the fact that I gave you thirty grand in “severance” money, and now they’re also focusing on the TV ad I helped fund through Guetzloe’s group.

Josh: (smiling) Oh yeah, I saw that when I was watching Nickelodeon last night. Don’t tell my mom, but I was watching Sponge Bob when it came on. Sponge Bob was like doing some silly stuff! He had this puppet and he was like pulling its strings… oh never mind. Then the ad came on talking about Mark Sharpe and it ended with that John Kerry guy. It was like confusing because it didn’t make any sense for a big government liberal to be in an ad with Mark Sharpe. But I do like John Kerry ‘cause he’s married to that lady Heinz who inherited the ketchup company when her first husband died. I LOVE ketchup!

Sam: You really are an idiot, but maybe not as much as Buddy Johnson was.

Josh: Oh man, Buddy Johnson, he is so cool! I was thinking he might come to the victory party and dress up as a clown and make animal balloons.

Sam: (under his breath) Well that’s certainly something he’s qualified to do.

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