Column: Are you your family's holiday-season shitshow?

Nothing says the holidays like new gossip fodder inspired by the family shitshow.

While there may be a rotating cast of shitshows — some people tighten up, others may be on a new downward spiral — there is always at least one in any family, and sooner or later it may even be your turn. After all, family is for life.

The funny thing is, we usually all know who the family shitshow of the moment is. But can we tell if it’s our own awesome selves? I mean, sure, we were drunk, but we stand by what we said, because we spoke the truth and somebody needed to say it. Loudly and in front of Grandma. Fuck — maybe we are the shitshow.

Never fear beloved readers, here is a list of ten ways to tell if you are indeed the family shitshow.

If at the last family gathering:

1. You got blackout drunk. You had a couple of drinks before you even got to the family gathering, ya know, to make it more enjoyable, and your thirst could scarcely be quenched all evening. If you mixed pills with said booze, just assume you showed your ass.

2. You started a debate with any adult family member who you know has opposing views. This was the time that your sound reasoning was definitely going to sway them to the other side, because guns and abortion and religion need to be agreed upon.

3. You tried to be cool with the teens, who smiled at you politely and nodded while trying to escape into their phones. You remembered when they were a baby and got into their diaper and smeared poop all over themselves. They love that story.

4. You question the motives of the young happy couple who isn’t engaged yet, or the married couple who is still childless. You belabor the point because you know they want these things but they just need a little nudge.

5. You have a good cry over some ancient hurt with your drunk aunt. She gets you.

6. You sway while standing, but keep ogling the baby and dropping hints that you want to hold it. You never get to.

7. You confess to your cousin that you always thought he was hot.

8. You keep turning up the music and pulling people off the couch to dance with you. Only pervy Uncle Joe humors you while everyone else slowly trickles into another room.

9. You actually just fall over and can’t get back up without help.

10. You get all surly and argue when no one will let you drive yourself home, because you’re a dumbass but your family will still look out for you.

So what if you’re the family shitshow? It stands to reason that you had more fun than anyone else. Partially because you were flying high, partially because you ruined everyone else’s good time with your obnoxious slurring self-righteousness. But you got some stuff off your chest. Besides, you can easily Google how to get the smell of vomit out of the carpet. 

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