How about a trans joke to get things rolling? Just kidding. As far as touchy subjects go, the topic of trans may rank near the top of the list. I have been the person who used the wrong pronoun and dealt with the backlash. I’ve been in the presence of trans people and I was so self conscious that I might say the wrong thing that I just kept my mouth shut. But discomfort is often an indication for the need of dialogue. I am from a small town in Western New York. I come from a background that was sometimes simple and narrow. I am 35 now and I wish to not be simple and narrow. At the risk of opening up Pandora’s box, I would like to sort through my feelings on my transgendered brothers and sisters.
Throughout the years, I’ve written much about my life as a gay male. Among the comments on my pieces, quite often a trangendered person would chime in with, “What about me?” My initial impulse was to be dismissive. I’m a gay male and I’m writing about my experience as a gay male. I had always subconsciously relegated transgendered people to a separate group from myself, with separate issues and experiences. My mind was closed to those “pesky trans commentators,” who were angry that I wouldn’t open my umbrella further and include them in a discussion that I felt didn’t concern them. In my hasty indifference I did not take the time to pause and consider that voice asking, “What about me?”
My first experience meeting someone that was FTM (female to male) was an uncomfortable display of my simple upbringing. When I moved to Tampa I met some people who had a roommate named Moira — a biological male living her life 100% as a woman. Once Moira was exposed as being biologically a male, she was ostracized from her circle of friends, her job, and Tampa altogether. My heart went out to Moira and I wrote a song about the situation called “Unlearned”. I reached out to her to let her know I loved her and didn’t agree with the treatment she was getting.
Years later, while introducing “Unlearned” in concert, I recounted the story of Moira and remembered how “her roommates were shocked when they found out it was a man they were living with." In the course of telling Moira’s story, I mindlessly referred to her as “it”. There was an FTM named Shawn in the audience who was furious. After the show I was confronted by Shawn and given a hard firm lesson about pronouns. Shawn was absolutely correct; Moira certainly wasn’t an “it”. She was indeed a “she". I never considered this. I didn’t know better. Speaking with Shawn was an opportunity to reconsider the way I spoke and thought of transgendered people. I left the incident educated, but extremely self-conscious.
A strange argument arose from a piece I wrote a few months back. I always found it annoying being called “girl” by other gay men. While obviously in our subculture this is viewed as a harmless term of endearment I argued that because I have a penis I’d like to be thought of as a man. Although I am sometimes flamboyant and sensitive in my head, I feel like a man, and my body is that of a male. There was an overwhelming nearly unanimous resistance to my opinion. I was accused of denying my feminine side and of being a self-hating gay, despite the fact that I stated I do indeed have feminine characteristics that I’m comfortable with. At the end of the day, my point was that I see myself as a man and wish for others to refer to me that way as well.
A week after my article ran, I bumped into my friend Tim. Two weeks earlier, Tim was Tammy. Although Tim still had a vagina he requested that everyone use male pronouns while addressing him. I was happy to oblige without second thought. But this raised an interesting observation. In our subculture, irregardless of a trans person’s body parts, we verbally address them by the gender that they request us to use. Why then were people so blown away by a gay male with a penis asking to be referred to as a man? But let’s not lose sight of the original topic of this piece.
Throughout the years, I’ve witnessed a variety of opinions regarding transgendered people. A handful of lesbians I met in Chicago were worried that female to male transitions were becoming too trendy. My backwoods friends from Western New York were unflinchingly opposed. For years when asked how I felt about transgendered people my answer was the standard: “I just don’t understand why someone would want to do that. The body is just a shell. Why can’t a person be whoever they want with a disregard to their shell?”
I have a different answer now.
Since I am not in anyone’s mind or body besides my own, I can never truly know how they feel and what their experience with life is. Because of this, I am unable to form an opinion about someone transitioning from one sex to the other. Me passing judgement on a trans person is as logical as the straight religious bastards who hate gay people without ever having been in our minds or lives. I don’t want to be a bastard.
People like Adam Lambert and Neil Patrick Harris are examples of well-known out men giving a public face to “gay”. Lesbians are represented by women like Ellen DeGeneres and Melissa Etheridge. And buried someone where deep in an article I wrote long ago is a trans person I’ve never met wondering, “What about me?" I didn’t listen him, but I’m listening now. What about him? We have a lot to learn about each other. We have a lot to learn from each other.
As the years passed, I’ve had the opportunity to befriend some wonderfully intelligent, creative, and vibrant people who happened to be trans. The perceptions I learned while growing up have fallen to the wayside, as I’ve been able to humanize trangendered people. The trans friends I made have a sense of humor about themselves. It was educational and valuable to make trans friends I could make jokes with and ask difficult questions. I am not transgendered. The only way I can understand and learn about being transgendered is to ask questions.
In our quest for equality amongst the straight community, I propose for a greater unity within ourselves. This oneness can never be achieved if we don’t take the time to understand and acknowledge each other. I ask that the transgendered community be patient with us. Educate us. Talk to us. Explain yourselves to us. Don’t get too mad when we say the wrong thing. I can’t speak for the rest of the gay male population, but I want you to know at least I am listening.
Let’s open up a few cans of worms for sake of opening up discussions. It is time for trans to stop being a forbidden topic.
This article appears in Nov 11-17, 2010.