Dan Savage in defense of men

Standing by sensible advice.

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Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and "sex experts." She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he's the douchebag?

Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn't seek your advice because you're clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you'll take the twat's side every time. The world doesn't need another asshole "advice professional" who sides with the woman no matter what she does.

Men Against Dan

Excuse me? I'm the advice columnist — I'm practically the only advice columnist — who doesn't automatically leap to the woman's side in a dispute. I'm the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you're not interested in sex anymore doesn't mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won't get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.

I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed — husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn't forgive and move on — you can bet your clenched butts that I would've called the wife a douchebag.

For crying out loud, MAD, I've told wives — and husbands — to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

Could you wax philosophical about a column from a few weeks ago? What makes Sexually Frustrated Fetishist's preference to involve feet in sex morally preferable to his partner's preference not to do so? Why is her insistence on her preference "selfish" while his insistence merely reflects his "sexual fulfillment"? More generally, what's the reason for your tendency to side with the person who wants to do x, even to the point of encouraging infidelity, over the person who doesn't want to do x, when the more intuitive answer might be "Gee, maybe you guys just aren't sexually compatible?"

Skeptical Erotic Compromises

I don't always side with the kinksters, SEC. I've come down squarely on the side of the person who doesn't want to do "x" — I've backed women who didn't want to cuckold their husbands, and guys who didn't want to have same-sex contact during a threesome — on many occasions. But I do encourage people to be good, giving and game (GGG), which only requires us, as I've explained again and again, to consider our partner's reasonable sexual requests. I've never suggested that any and all sexual requests must be fulfilled.

I'll wax now for a moment: The odds that any one of us will wind up with a partner whose sexual interests align perfectly with our own are essentially zero. Since no two people are a perfect fit sexually, SEC, both partners must engage in a good-faith give-and-take to craft a mutually satisfying sexual repertoire that doesn't leave either person feeling resentful or badly used. Does everyone get everything they want? Nope. But each of us has a right to put our needs out there and a concurrent responsibility to meet our partner's needs if at all possible. And each of us should have the sense to pull the plug when the sexual disconnect is too great.

As to the particulars of SFF's case — what makes his request for foot action reasonable and his girlfriend's refusal to indulge him unreasonable — it comes down to just what is being asked of the nonkinky partner. SFF is asking his girlfriend to kick off her shoes every once in a while and allow him to treat her feet the way another man might treat his girlfriend's breasts. It's not too much to ask, SEC, and an unselfish lover wouldn't regard it as too much to give.

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