Longtime fan, Dan, but I don't see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.
Need More Savage Love
Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast and blogging aren't enough? Now I have to Twitter?
Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century — they created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage) and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/pages/Dan-Savage/50670281251?ref=ts) — but I'm going to draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would cut into my drinking time.
I've been seeing this guy for about two years in August. We've been living together for six months now, and it's been REALLY bumpy. We fight a lot, I cry a lot, and it just gets really messy. To tell you the truth, I'm tired of it. I work two jobs, and I never get any time to myself because he's moody and insecure. He always wants to know where I'm going or who I'm with. He doesn't like to do the same things I do, and I'm beginning to think this is all one big mistake. The problem is every time I try to leave, it always gets ugly. Ugly to the point that he's thrown my stuff in the front yard, broken things of mine, and even called me names. He's abusive.
As sad as this sounds, and as ridiculous as I feel, I want to make this work. I want us to be happy. And the thing is, I know that we can be. When we're mad, it's like World War III over here. But when we're happy, it's so blissful that I know in my heart with him is the only place I want to be. What can I do? People tell me it's time to sever ties, but the people who usually tell me this are the ones who can't stand him. How can I make a completely unbiased decision? Am I stupid for believing in a love that feels destined to fail?
Hopelessly Devoted To Him
This is not a relationship, HDTH, it's a hostage situation. He's a controlling, abusive piece of shit — listen to your fucking friends, HDTH. When your boyfriend breaks your shit, he's making an implicit threat: I can break your face just as easily as I'm breaking your shit, bitch, so don't even think about leaving me. And of course things are great when they're great — that's part of an abuser's MO. If abusers were abusive 24/7 — if they weren't capable of doling out a little bliss now and then — no abusive relationship would last longer than one date. Like all abusers, he parcels out the good times, doping you up with a little bliss now and then, because he knows that these glimpses of how great things could be convince you to stick around against your better judgment.
The bliss is a con, HDTH, a weapon that he uses against you, just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as his tantrums, fits, and threats of violence are. Think of the good times as rainbow sprinkles on a dog-shit sundae — sprinkles or no sprinkles, you're still standing there with a bowl full of dog shit in your hands.
Get a couple of friends to come over when he's at work or out of town, box up your shit, and leave. You can't change him. Go.
My partner and I have been together for four years. Last year we sought to experiment with another couple via an adult website. We eventually found a sexy pair who we met up with, but the experience left me feeling unsure about how comfortable I am with the idea of the "swinging" lifestyle. I know my partner loves me and is loyal, and he's messed around a bit with others since we've been together and that's OK (so have I, also OK), but getting together with another couple was a lot more personally challenging than I thought. How can I get more comfortable and open-minded about this?
Swinger Wannabe
The problem might have been the other couple, SW, and not the swinging lifestyle per se. You could give it another shot, with another couple, and see if you feel differently. If you do and you don't, well, then you may have to accept — or, more to the point, the boyfriend will have to accept — that synchronized infidelity just isn't for you.
This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2009.