I don’t party at bars much anymore; but, every Sunday, I post up at a place in Ybor City and drink a few buckets with my best friend, Sarah. We watch her Pats win and my Ravens lose.
The usual.
This past Sunday, I learned a few new things.
One: Even when the Patriots get blown out, they’re still way better than the Ravens. Two: There are actually people who drink Michelob Ultra. Three: Tampa men, by and large, are pretty damn short.
I’m 6 feet tall sans shoes. I often rock 4-inch heels. I get the You must play basketball. I get a lot of Whoa when I stand up from a table at a restaurant. Sometimes I even get Jesus.
When I was a teenager, desperately seeking a boy who was taller than me, all the boys were short, plenty of them ready and willing to say my height was intimidating. A few did man up and ask me out. Some had balls: Can you wear flats?
I’ve resigned myself to this: If I’m going to get off my couch and go on a date in Tampa, chances are he’s not going to be as tall as I am. I’m OK with that.
Will he be?
I posed the question to Sarah. She told me about a thing she heard on NPR, something about how couples with a big height difference have the most successful relationships.
I needed some hard data but didn’t find any.
I did find an article about a study conducted in South Korea. Researcher Kitae Sohn, from Konkuk University in Seoul, claimed, “A greater height difference in a couple was positively related to the wife’s happiness. Women simply like tall men, while unable to say why. This is similar to people favoring fatty, salty, and sugary foods without knowing exactly why: such foods are essential to survival but were scarce as humans evolved — hence craving such foods increased reproductive fitness in the past.”
So, one: A happy wife means a successful relationship. And, two: Women like tall men because they’re essential to survival but have become scarce as humans have evolved.
Right around the time I reached 5'10", I was in love with a kid named Mark. At 14, he was a solid 6'3". I listened to P.M. Dawn’s “I’d Die Without You” so many times, I warped the tape.
This explains it all.
I wonder, though, according to Mr. Sohn’s research, if the same is true on the flipside: Do tall men like shorter women because they’re essential to survival? Am I, essentially, out of luck?
I’m hoping that, next Sunday, a man will say Jesus when I stand up from my barstool to hit the restroom. Over my shoulder, I’ll holler, Hey yo, shorty. I got 72 inches of leg ready to wrap you up.
I need to do my own research, make him say my real name.
And I need to tell him, That oversized Bucs jersey and jeans hanging off your ass and pooling around your feet ain’t making you look taller, homey.
This article appears in Dec 3-9, 2015.