Are you a chick? We don't mean, are you female? We mean are you one of those gals who exercise religiously at the gym, who can't leave the house without makeup or go to a restroom alone? Do you have mortal dread every time you chip a nail and can't get to the manicurist before an evening out?
Well, stop the vanity!
Stop behaving in that stereotypical way and handing over your hard-earned money to cosmetic counters and beauty rags that make you into something you're not.
We at De-Chick Your Life!® want to help you get back to the real you, to embrace the crabby, dumpy girl inside, with a self-help program and line of products that will help you return to formlessness.
—Maida Misanthrope
President and Founder of De-Chick Your Life!®
Some celebrities have tried our program and products. DeChick Your Life!® president and cofounder Maida Misanthrope recently met up with them over Frappuccinos and cigarettes at a bar in Brooklyn. Here's what they had to say:
Margaret Cho: ABC producers pressured me into losing weight for All-American Girl. It only took two months to gain the 30 pounds back — and my sense of humor — thanks to De-Chick Your Life!®
Drew Barrymore: More people pay attention to my bulging belly than they do Oprah's now. But, Maida, my friends ask me, why didn't I just do it alone. I mean, it's easy to overeat and be careless.
Maida Misanthrope: Whoa, hold on there a minute, my li'l alien sidekick. It's not just about gaining extra pounds and a few zits; it's about gaining a new you without all that phony prettying up.
Janeane Garofalo: The split-ends pomade really has helped me look like the greasy girl who doesn't give a shit. What about you, Juliette?
Juliette Lewis (babbles, coos, touches face): I like the faux body odor-masked-by-patchouli eau de toilette.
Maida Misanthrope (to the audience): Well, for you uninitiated uber-bitches out there, we'll include a special bonus if you purchase the complete videotape and product line: the Scowl-O-Matic. (Holding product) Just affix this plastic mold to your face every day for six weeks and, with one look, you'll drive that 120-pound, 21-year-old bank teller to tears — you know the one who insists on calling you ma'am, (girls nod in agreement, take drag off cigarettes).
Thanks gals for joining me today. Make sure you trip the waitress on your way out.
The complete De-Chick Your Life!® program of costs $299. Or pay in three easy installments of $99.99. Offer void in Utah. Not responsible for resulting depression, chemical imbalances, obesity, loss of friends or family members and destruction to personal property. Call 1-800-DE-CHICK to purchase your program today.
OTHER PRODUCTS
AVAILABLE FROM
DE-CHICK YOUR LIFE!®
Cellulite Growth Cream
Bikini-line acne Mousse
Ingrown Hair Grower
Breast-Sagging Juice
Dark Circle Enhancer
