Shhhhh, let's go behind the scenes with fitness guru Buzz Abernathy as he prepares for his popular program AN ALL NU U.

Buzz (speaking over a backstage din): Anyone got a light?

The crew scurries around. And assistant dabs makeup on Buzz's face. Producer Jake Turnbull clasps Buzz on the shoulder

Jake: Let's kill 'em, tonight, big guy! Let's really move some product, champ!

Buzz: I said, DOES ANYONE HAVE A FUCKIN' LIGHT?!!

An assistant whips out a Zippo and lights Buzz's Marlboro.

Jake: Like I was saying, big guy, sales have been a little off lately. Hell, you know that. So let's really kill 'em out there. The crowd's really rarin' to go. That was a great idea to tap a few kegs for 'em before the show.

Assistant: Buzz, you're on in 30 seconds.Buzz: Listen, Jake, quit bustin' my balls about the sales, awright? I'll get those fuckin' phones ringin' today. (Shouts) Hey Angie, call the Porsche dealership and find out when my fuckin' Turbo is gonna get here! Assistant: Buzz, you're on in five, (Buzz flicks his cigarette on the floor and sniffs a white, powdery substance from a piece of aluminum foil) four, three, two

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, let's hear it for America's number one fitness expert, the man who has helped millions find an ALL NU U, Mis-ter Bu-uzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Ahhh-berrrr-nath-eeeeeeee!

The studio audience erupts in wild cheers. Buzz bounds onto the stage. He runs to the front row, high-fives a bunch of folks, and returns to the stage.

Buzz: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Thank you! Thank you! (More cheers). Thank you! Stop it, you're embarrassing me! (The crowd chuckles; cheers subside.) Welcome everyone, and to our viewers at home (Buzz points at the camera). Are you ready to get started on an ALL Nu U?!!!!!!!! (Wild cheers.) Are you ready to lose inches of fat, gain inches of muscle?

Crowd (delirious): Yesssssssssssssssssss!!!

Buzz: Do you want six-pack abs, ripped biceps, a chest like Adonis, legs like an Olympic sprinter, do you want a butt that sprains necks?

Crowd: Yesssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Buzz: Do you want an endless supply of energy, tighter, glowing skin, a richer sex life, a sharper mind, clearer vision, fresher breath, and no more heartbreak of psoriasis?

Crowd: Yessssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Buzz: Well, you can have it and more, friends, with my revolutionary program AN ALL NU U. This groundbreaking system, which I developed over years of study and experience in the fitness field, is based on one simple concept:

The crowd churns.

Buzz: I call it … NOFLEX … NoFlex® is fitness based on a revolutionary idea: No exercise. Let's face it, friends, exercise is hard. You get sweaty. Sweat smells. Lifting weights? Hey, those weights are heavy. Running? Bicycling? Circuit training? You breathe hard. You get tired. And it takes up valuable time. For years and years, people have built beautiful bodies through long periods of strenuous exercise. People, I say let's skip all that and go straight to the beautiful bodies!

Crowd erupts in ecstatic cheers.

Buzz: You may be wondering, how does NoFlex® work? Well, it's simple. NoFlex® is merely a series of easy-to-swallow pills that you take daily at easy 65-minute intervals, augmented with special elixirs that you drink just 11 times a day, a special inhaler that you used just eight times daily, and 37 different electrodes that you hook up to various parts of your body — while you sleep! The patented NoFlex Impulse Transmogulator® runs a soothing flow of mega-alpha currents through your body and, voila, you've been getting in shape ALL NIGHT LONG!

Audience: Wild cheers.

Buzz (pointing into the camera): Hey friends, I'll be right back with some demonstrations after Johnny gives you ordering information, just for those of you who can't wait to get started on an ALL NU U!

Announcer: Order ALL NU U, Buzz Abernathy's revolutionary fitness program based on the NoFlex® system, NOW! Pay just 24 easy payments of $89.99, followed by 12 payments of just $49.99. And you're on your way to an ALL NU U. Call 1 800-666-FITT now. Operators are standing by.Meanwhile, backstageTwo men in navy blue suits arrive.

Suit #1: Where can we find a Mr. Norman Plunk?

Assistant: Who may I say is inquiring?

Suit #2: The FBI, ma'am.

Assistant: Buzz, some men to see you. Buzz? Buzz?! I'm sorry, gentleman …

Suits: Excuse me ma'am.

They sprint to toward the rear stage door, where Buzz is heading. Suit #2 tackles him.

Suit #1: Norman Plunk, FBI, you have the right to remain silent

Buzz: What are the charges?

Suit #2: Fraud, racketeering, money laundering, failure to pay child support, driving without a seatbelt and just being a general asshole. (He picks up a piece of aluminum foil, opens it and examines the white powder.) Oh, and drug possession.

Buzz (yelling): Angie, call the Porsche dealership. Tell 'em I'm gonna need my deposit back.

Station announcer: We now join The Jeffersons, already in progress.

This article appears in Sep 20-26, 2001.