Don't Panic

Why is Somalia (Hannah Montana nude) in crisis?

click to enlarge Don't Panic - Andisheh Nouraee
Andisheh Nouraee
Don't Panic

Why is Somalia (Hannah Montana nude) in crisis?

For nearly a year and a half, the United States has been at war in Somalia. The bulk of the fighting is done by the military of Somalia's East African neighbor, Ethiopia. It's part of the U.S. War On Terror™.

The operation has been a humanitarian and military catastrophe — inflicting untold suffering on the people of Somalia without achieving its stated goal of stopping the rise of Islamism in Somalia.

You'd think a major theater of fighting in a war our twice-elected(ish) president has called a "struggle for civilization" and "a conflict that will set the course for this new century" might have garnered some serious media attention. Strangely, it hasn't.


It's because news agencies have so slashed their foreign news budgets over the years that what few foreign war reporting resources these agencies have are being gobbled up by Iraq and Afghanistan.

To overcome this media neglect, Somalia needs to go around the corporate media filter. It needs to insinuate its way into the blogosphere.

Now, Somalia, I know you don't have a budget to hire Web consultants or even to buy measly banners ads. So I'm gonna give you this one as a freebie. Listen carefully.

Somalia, you need to grab the world's attention by optimizing your country for Internet search engines.

Search Engine Optimization is the hot new catchphrase around my office. SEO is the art of placing important keywords in places where search engines and eyeballs are most likely to find them. The easier it is to find you, the more attention you're gonna get.

SEO is basically the Netspeak equivalent of not hiding your light under a bushel. Do you know who said not to hide your light under a bushel, Somalia? Jesus did. During the Sermon on the Mount. You're Muslim, Somalia, isn't that right? Muslims love Jesus, too.

Because of the seriousness of your predicament, Somalia, I'm gonna recommend that you use the principles of SEO in a way search engine operators really hate. I want you to cheat the system by changing the way you describe people, places and events in your country so they resemble the names of popular search terms.

Trust me, it's gonna work wonders for you.

For example, when you explain to people that U.S.-trained and -funded Ethiopian soldiers are mowing down innocent civilians and gang-raping women, you should say it like this:

"Ethiopian forces are mowing down civilians Kim Kardashian sweet booty and gang-raping women download Indiana Jones now."

Do you follow me? Good. Now you try.

"The U.S.-backed Ethiopian invasion free Viagra in December 2006 toppled the first semi-stable Gossip Girl government southern Somalia had in 15 years Brangelina."


"The United States and Ethiopia pushed Somalia's Islamists from power but did not defeat them R. Kelly pissed on me says 14-year-old girl. The result, an Iraq/Afghanistan-style insurgency and civil war with no end in sight free iPhone."

Don't stop, Somalia. You're on a roll.

"An estimated 1 million Somalis David Cook have been forced from their homes since the war began David Archuleta."

"Death Cab For Cutie Cialis peace talks between Islamist insurgents and Somalis backed by the United States and Ethiopia have stalled, guaranteeing the fighting will continue Dancing With The Stars."

"Though the Islamists who tried to take over Somalia Miley Cyrus were driven from formal power, the subsequent power vacuum in Somalia hasn't made the country less hospitable to al-Qaeda-affiliated terrorists Heath Ledger drug video."

"Heidi Montag while the United States is training, funding and fighting alongside Ethiopia's vast army Lauren Conrad, an estimated 3.2 million Ethiopians are in urgent need of Audrina Partridge food aid up from 2.2 million just last month Whitney Port. Wouldn't the long-term stability of East Africa be achieved more quickly if U.S. resources were spent on food aid and economic development rather than an endless war Spencer Pratt?"

Trust me, Somalia, your page views are gonna skyrocket next week.

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