What is the status of negotiations with North Korea to shut down its nuclear program?
I have an important announcement.
I, Andisheh Nouraee, am actively seeking nuclear weapons. I'm serious.
I don't want a nuke because I have enemies, beefs or rival West Coast columnists I wanna off.
Nor do I have territorial ambitions. When I'm older, I'd love to have a small vacation home somewhere fun like Paris or Prague, but if I ever acquire one it'll be the old-fashioned way, by mortgaging the futures of my unborn children.
No. The reason I want a nuclear weapon is that when people know you have a nuke, they treat you like you're special — like you're an exceptionally hot woman and they're on a third date with you. It doesn't matter how much you piss them off; they'll never lose their temper or say something they think is going to put you off. Eyes on the prize.
How else can you explain Pakistan? Pakistan supports al-Qaeda, supports the Taliban and sold nuclear-weapons know-how to the highest bidder. Pakistan is dangerous, but because Pakistan is a nuclear babe, we'll do anything to make nice. You want champagne? Let's have champagne.
And don't forget North Korea.
In 2002, President Bush informed the world that North Korea was no lower than third on his regime-change bucket list. Along with Iraq and Iran, North Korea was on the Axis of Evil. Even though it didn't have nukes at the time, North Korea was no pushover. Many analysts believe that, with its conventional firepower alone, it could kill tens of thousands in South Korea and Japan within 30 minutes of a war starting.
At Bush's prompting, the United States took a hard line against North Korea, refusing to sit down with North Korea to talk about its nuclear program. North Korea said it had a nuke, but since it had never tested one, we didn't really take them seriously. We don't talk with evildoers, or something like that.
On top of all that, the president took to calling North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-Il bad names. He called him a "pygmy," apparently a derogatory reference to his height. He also called him a "spoiled child," an apparent reference to the fact that Kim Jong-Il is a former do-nothing rich kid who inherited his political power from his father. Pot, meet kettle.
Fast-forward to Oct. 9, 2006, which is actually backward from today, but you know what I mean. That was the day North Korea detonated a nuclear weapon in a cave.
Condemnation from world leaders was swift and unanimous, but when the radioactive dust settled, Kim Jong-Il was transformed.
Goodbye pygmy, hello Nubian princess. Overnight, Kim Jong-Il became a way, way (way) hot woman. And the United States? We became its overly solicitous, sexually ambitious date. Surf and turf? Go ahead, baby. Order what you'd like. Tonight is special.
In keeping with North Korea's babe status, the White House instructed American diplomats to engage in actual diplomacy — a near complete reversal of its previous policy. No more pygmy-talk. Last year, the United States offered North Korea better relations and desperately needed fuel oil, in exchange for shutting down its nuclear facilities. The offer was nearly identical to the one Bush mocked President Clinton for offering North Korea in 1994. Since they tested the nuke, we'll seemingly do anything to keep them from walking away from the dinner, I mean the negotiating table.
You think I'm exaggerating? North Korea just blew off a Dec. 31 deadline to declare the full extent of its nuclear program — including machinery and stockpiles of enriched uranium.
Critics of the White House say it's proof that North Korea cannot be trusted. The Bush administration, however, is remarkably understanding.
"I'm not too concerned about them being a little late," said U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. Hill says he's more focused on sealing the long-term deal than he is on short-term deadlines.
Coming from the same administration that wants to pretend Iranian speedboats are trying to cause World War III, that kind of restraint might sound surprising. But Iran doesn't have nukes. North Korea does. You want dessert? Mmmm, you got it, Kim, baby.
This article appears in Jan 30 – Feb 5, 2008.
