Driller: a drinking game for the 80s 'sexual thriller'

Driller tells the tender coming of age story of a sheltered girl, Louis (Tajia Rae), who is mysteriously drawn to the sexual rhythms of Mr. J—-the less talented lovechild of Prince, Michael Jackson, and RuPaul. Onstage Mr. J lip syncs to operatic pop songs while leading a collection of coked-up dancers who were kicked off of their drill teams and ballet groups for screwing their instructors. After the Driller concert, Louise is the victim of awkward sex on her parent's couch by her very much un-Driller boyfriend and his "wanger." Sexually unfulfilled, Rae falls asleep only to find herself in a dream world where Mr. J transforms into a werewolf with the voice of a perverted Yoda and the most fantastic special effects penis ever to ejaculate fake semen in the history of cinema. In this dream, all pretense of a plot dissolve beneath smoke machines, trouser werewolves, and a presidential fuck fest in the graveyard.

Like Driller, the below drinking game should be indulged in at your own peril. I strongly recommended that each drink be a sip of beer or a cocktail as opposed to a shot. Otherwise you may slip into an alcoholic coma haunted by topless zombies who can't dance.

Drink every time any of the follow things occur on or off screen:[image-1]

-You or a friend questions Mr. J's sexuality, gender, or talent. Also, during the first musical number you should place drinking bets on if the actor playing Mr. J was hired purely for his musical and acting abilities, or if he actually has sex with a woman in the film.

-You realize Mr. J has red nails

-The dancers do high kicks

-Mr. J attempts to moonwalk

-A new mustache appears

-The film uses a CGI image of a house, a full moon, a castle, or an ejaculating penis

-You are frightened by pubic hair or you question if the pubic hair is just part of the horror makeup

-A cock is called a dicky, wanger, or any other obscure name

-There's confusion about which orifice is being penetrated

-You hear what can only be described as "a zombie meow"

-You fully realize why Mr. J's alter-ego is called Driller

-The glowing double-sided dong appears

-Gimp ballerinas jump on screen

-A rogue cat appears in the foreground

-There's a money shot that doesn't land on someone's face

-For the rest of the night, you must drink every time someone sings, "It's just a Driller."

Also, you must drink continuously for as long as any of the following actions occur:

-A bra-less woman jumps up and down

-Richard Nixon strokes his flaccid penis

-Richard Nixon uses his nose as a dildo

-There is a POV shot of Richard Nixon fucking you

Buy Driller XXX at tlavideo.com

Follow Alfie on Twitter or Facebook, and email him if interested in writing about Sex and Love.

I'm a fan of pre-drinking with friends while watching B horror movies stacked with actresses hired solely for their willingness to appear topless and be eaten by the likes of a mutant sharktopus. While Zombie Strippers and The Human Centipede are favorites, sometimes you need something a bit more graphic, and yet more playful, to warm you up for a night of dry humping community college dropouts at the local club and getting kicked out of a bikini bar for throwing quarters onstage. Sure you can watch as much realistic gore as you want on mainstream movie websites like Netflix, but these companies don't have the balls to show graphic sexual content (Netflix brutally castrated the X-rated masterpiece, Caligula, even chopping out the beloved midget in the orgy scene). The rash of recent parody porns can all provide a few laughs, both intentionally and unintentionally, but all too often the sex scenes are too long, the actresses too attractive, and you risk actually getting turned on—-which can complicate things if watching these parodies with guy friends who have a tendency to wrestle when drunk. Sometimes what you need is an hour and twenty-three minutes of bushy x-rated action and low-budget special effects from the 80s. Sometimes what you need is the 1984 parody porn, Driller: a Sexual Thriller.

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