Like a fashion STD, Ed Hardy has expanded into every form of merchandise from lip gloss, to hand sanitizer, to champagne. While it has been branded as the official douche uniform, thus losing much of its appeal to trendy clubsters, Ed Hardy continues to be purchased by the lowest form of douche-bag—-the imitation douche who has to wait for the trends to reach T.J. Maxx and Ross before he can afford them. Other than these social retards, the only people who still buy Ed Hardy gear are guests attending costume parties with a 2000s theme.

Ed Hardy clothes have become a pre-prophylactic, clearly identifying men that women shouldn't sleep with. As such, it's only natural for the brand to expand into actual prophylactics with its Sexline, which also includes lubricants and sex toys. Now if a man pulls out any sex-related Ed Hardy gear on the off chance that he corrals a drunk female into his bed, this should be her cue to immediately pull out her Ed Hardy mace.

Considering that designer clothes

This article appears in May 20-26, 2010.