Farewell tour

The Top 10 to end all Top 10s (at least written by this guy)

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click to enlarge SLEEPER CELL: The author in a characteristic pose. - Wayne Garcia
Wayne Garcia
SLEEPER CELL: The author in a characteristic pose.

Well, it's been 10 years and a thousand tears, and look at the mess I'm in.

Actually, it's been nearly six years and around 239 tears, and I'm fairly mess-free these days. But I can't ignore the itchy-footed feeling that says I need to move on. And I can't think of a more appropriate time to take my leave than the holiday season, as the New Year delicately opens itself to me like one of those Georgia O'Keeffe paintings of flowers that are really vaginas.

So, this is it. It's been a blast. Thanks a million for reading, and especially for responding — the vicious, hateful comments have been as welcome and considered as the complimentary ones. (Remember that guy who said I should have my balls dipped in boiling oil for suggesting that it was wrong to say "camel jockey" on the radio?) It's all good. I'll miss the readers as much as the exceptional staff here at the paper, because it's you who truly make this endeavor a community.

Cheers.

Top 10 Things I'll Miss About Working at the Loaf

1. Smoke-break conversation.

2. Anthony Carbone's freakouts.

3. Wayne Garcia's editorial-meeting pontification/stand-up comedy.

4. All the ladies in the house.

5. "Stealing" Chastity's candy.

6. Breakroom leftovers.

7. Being slammed regularly by blogger Michael Hussey for not being newsy enough — thanks for the publicity, bro.

8. The weird shit that comes in the mail sometimes, like punk porn or Catfights 3 DVDs or a stress-reduction toy that entails crashing a tiny Hummer into a tiny china cabinet.

9. Getting mail, good and bad, from somebody in another state or country who read my stuff and felt compelled to comment.

10. Joe Bardi and David Warner asking with infinite tact where the hell my story budget is or where the hell my copy is or where the hell I am.

Top 10 Things I Won't Miss About Working at the Loaf

1. Crossing the Howard Frankland twice/four times a day.

2. The cubicle.

3. EBITDA-speak.

4. Monthly staff meetings always scheduled when I'm on deadline.

5. Bars and cover bands bitching about not getting into Soundboard when they send their info in three days after the deadline — which is printed at the top of the Soundboard every fucking week.

6. Local bands bitching about not being listed in the Concerts section — your Thursday gig at the Uptown ain't a concert, pal.

7. Great bands breaking up and great clubs closing, 13 seconds after I give 'em a Best of the Bay award.

8. Filing a column I'm not completely stoked on because the great idea just wasn't there that week.

9. Local promoters thinking a negative show preview means I'm trying to put them out of business.

10. Snider on the floor doing crunches in shorts and a muscle tee — dude, that shit is hella distracting.

Top 10 Things I Didn't Get Stuck Enough to Have to Write About This Year

1. Vanity license plates — seriously, what's up with those?

2. My obsession with British words and phrases and slang.

3. Cleaning out my truck, again.

4. Why do all my friends think monkeys are amazing?

5. Apparently, big-box retailers are bad.

6. Being addicted to cable TV after spending a year without it.

7. My buddy's baby is freaking huge.

8. Movies sure are long these days, aren't they?

9. Fishing, again.

10. That time in Houston when that kid thought I was drunk enough to believe that him saying "beep" was really his beeper going off, and I tried to deck him.

Top 10 Things I Wish I'd Gotten Around to Writing About This Year

1. How I'm pretty sure I got my weird sexual hang-ups from my folks.

2. Feeding roadkill to the homeless — no, really, that's what they do with the deer in Austin.

3. Remember when people knew that apostrophes weren't used to denote plurality, and that "irregardless" isn't a word?

4. Shitty drivers, again.

5. My creeping obsession with celebrity-gossip websites and whose fault it may or may not be.

6. That time in L.A. when I thought Exene from X was a bag lady, and Joey Cocktail managed to offend a dominatrix.

7. That time at the Asian restaurant when a bunch of us demanded sushi, because Charlie Crist was having it right over there.

8. The shit list — everybody's got one, and here's who's on mine ...

9. Why is no one else as interested in the concept of genetic memory as I am?

10. That time in Houston when that kid thought I was drunk enough to believe that him saying "beep" was actually his beeper going off, and I tried to deck him.

Top 10 Career Options for The Next Stage of My Life

1. Canoe rental guy.

2. Nipple-fluffer on a low-budget porn set.

3. Flip-flop tester (though I'm pretty sure Spatafora's got that one sewn up).

4. Getting a skateboarding sponsorship deal, even though I suck, just for being old and having tattoos and hating on the kids.

5. National Anthem singer on the semiprofessional athletic event circuit.

6. Snottiest barrista ever.

7. The new Lance Goldenberg.

8. Teaching kids how to play Avenged Sevenfold songs on the guitar.

9. Merch guy on the next Night Ranger reunion tour.

10. Pirate!

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