Good morning! Is Friday a weekday, or a weekend day? FRIDAY IS NON-BINARY, STOP WITH YOUR LABELS.
Everybody's favorite place to pretend they never go but we all do, Walmart, announced that it'll be passing the savings it garners from America's new corporation-and-rich-guy-benefiting tax plan on to employees in the form of bonuses, better benefits and higher hourly wages. This will be of little comfort to employees affected by yesterday's other Walmart story — the one about the company closing 63 Sam's Club locations, including the one in south Tampa. Capitalism! It's inherently unfair.
Continuing with Cute Baby Animal Births in Captivity Season, Lowry Park Zoo welcomed a newborn Bornean orangutan info the fold yesterday. No, you don't get to name her, so settle down and stop arguing over whether or not the ape in The Jungle Book was an orang — yes, he was, and also there's no way to make King Louie sound good on a girl.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd talked a bit about his office's expanding drone program, assuring citizens that the aerial devices will only be used in certain situations, and will never be recording video footage. Knowing Sheriff Judd as we do, we wonder how bummed he was when he found out putting dual machine guns on 'em makes 'em too heavy to fly.
And finally, Tallahassee cops are looking for a dude who ripped a urinal off the wall of a restaurant bathroom, then took his clothes off and ran into the woods when confronted by the staff. This could be a little more Florida Man, but only if he tripped over a python in the woods and was eaten by an alligator while trying to kill the python with fireworks.
This article appears in Jan 11-18, 2018.