The promise of cheese-on-a-stick, midway rides spinning me into a state of catatonic-nausea and ex-con carnies harassing me to win deformed stuffed animals would have to wait. … at least until after I got my fill of the Roller Derby State Championship at the FL State Fairgrounds.

Anne Tagonize, president of the Tampa Bay Derby Darlings, smuggled Zach, Kelly and me through the riot-style security gates for a rink-side view of the action. Outfitted in hot-purple and black, the local favorite, The Tampa Tantrums, were battling their way to a state title. Dueling announcers — half sportscasters and half strip-club MCs — gave the play-by-play. The Tantrums' unstoppable jammer, Battle Axe, racked up points by lapping opposing blockers who were covered in tattoos, pads and bruises. Risqué nicknames were plastered on skaters: Mission Mary Position, Cutthroat Darling, Busty Bruiser, Cornfed (stretched across gold booty shorts) and The Great Wall of Jina (a name I'm still trying to wrap my mind around). Even the refs had distinct personalities. One was dressed in a kilt, and another, Hoosier Daddy, employed a few moves from his profession as a break-dance skater.


The sport has come far from its roots in the Great Depression as a 4,000-mile cross-country race. It's most recent incarnation was developed by some Texas women who popularized the sport among the tattooed, dyed-hair and multiple-piercings indie crowd. This is not to say the all derby girls conform to this description. Competitors include a range of women, from grandmothers to lawyers.Perhaps the most intriguing thing about the sport is how it presents women both as brutal athletes and hypersexual characters. You can't watch a match without recognizing the strength involved in delivering hits and taking spills on the concrete rink. Most every skater I talked to had broken a bone or shattered an ankle but was still coming back for more. At the same time, it's hard not to stare at the competitors in a less-than-innocent way. Team logos often feature tattoo-style vixens with extra-long legs and exaggerated chests.

Admittedly, skaters assemble their uniforms of fishnets, striped leggings and metallic bloomers by shopping at adult stores. As one derby girl put it, porn store costumes are designed to endure a certain amount of wear and tear. This kind of match-up between athleticism and sexuality shows just how far feminism has come. The derby gives women a space to demolish the traditional, runway version of sexy just as it allows them to behave like barroom brawlers on wheels.  

After a few matches, the Street Team put in some overtime roaming the fairgrounds. Zach entertained himself by trying to hustle carnies into strapping me on a ride for free. He was intent on filming me vomiting. I cruised around in search of a breathtaking mullet to take my Christmas-card photo with. We were overwhelmed by all there was to see, ride, lose our money on and potentially die from eating. State fairs are freak shows that pack so many opposing extremes into one place: confederate themed T-shirts and bedazzled hip-hop couture, freakishly large livestock in undersized cages, fried Twinkies sold beside gourmet cooking wear, and shockingly normal people paying good money to lose themselves in a bizarre funhouse.

Follow Alfie on
Twitter ,
Facebook , or at
shawnalff.com

This article appears in Feb 27 – Mar 4, 2008.