*(The writer of this story and her companions wish to apologize to the property cleaning crew for the dozens of plastic BB's and little green army men left floating in the pool. It was too cold to swim, but we didn't want it to go to waste.)
Families First Vacation Homes, 215 Celebration Place, Celebration (800-393-8800, www.familiesfirst.com). Two- to seven-bedroom condos and homes start at $99 per night. Cleaning fees apply; pool heating optional.
—Kelli K
KNOW WHEN TO FOLD EM
St. Pete Hold Em
Maybe this has happened to you: You never had much interest in cards, especially poker, 'cause to you it was just a way to lose money. You sucked at poker, and besides, the game was dull, long and really just a matter of dumb luck. Then you ran across Texas Hold 'Em on cable, and damned if you didn't stop and watch for a few minutes, and then an hour. And then more and more hours. The game was intriguing, intricate, cagey and full of skill — skill you didn't possess, but suddenly thought was attainable. So you broke out a deck and started fooling around. You went on the Internet and saw just how tough it is to get good at Texas Hold 'Em; you finally understood how one could be a great poker player, that it wasn't just the luck of the draw. And you thought: Maybe I can become a good poker player too. Next thing you know — impossible as it may have seemed just a few months ago — you're putting together poker nights to show off your newfound cardsharkery.
But you just want to keep it fun — among friends. All that math shit you need to win online and at the casinos is not for you.
This is how we do it: We get together a few couples at someone's home and make sure plenty of alcohol is on hand. Everyone buys $10 worth of chips and, unlike the TV tournaments, can buy more chips to stay in. With a touch of civic pride, we call our game St. Pete Hold 'Em. It's different from the Texas game because the dealer can pick wild cards. We limit them: one-eyed jacks, black queens, red fives, the ace of clubs, like that.
As the game goes and the booze flows, the wild cards get wilder. Sometimes it goes beyond cards. One time, Billy called "tits and asses wild," which meant that a woman could pick a wild card by flashing her breasts and a guy could do the same by dropping trou. No one did, but there will be plenty more get-togethers. (Another peculiarity to our game: we don't sweat what we consider the little rules — "posting the blinds," "burning" cards — 'cause, man, that shit's too hard to keep track of.)
During my nascent poker days, I've realized that — for all my watching of TV Hold 'Em tournaments — I still basically suck. I make dumb moves. I make really dumb moves. (I once bet the hell out of an inside straight and proudly revealed my cards, only to have Jenna say, "Where's the Jack?" Nine, 10, Queen, King, Ace is not a straight. Funny thing is, if she hadn't noticed, I probably would've picked up the pot.)
I've also come to realize that bluffing doesn't work when your opponent is a shitfaced idiot who only stands to lose a five-dollar pot. (That fucker Billy will call your bluff every time.)
So Texas and St. Pete Hold 'Em are different games. The latter, though there ain't much money in it, is a fun way to kill a slow weekend night.
There are countless websites devoted to poker. www.texasholdem-poker.com offers a strong overview: rules, strategies, odds, etc.
—ERIC SNIDER
ROLLING ON
THE OCKLAWAHA
River Cruise
Yes, Virginia, there really are wild monkeys in Florida. You can see them on the Ocklawaha River. Not everyone who lives in Florida can or should own a boat. But not owning one is no reason to miss some of the most beautiful scenery and abundant wildlife in the state. Florida's rivers offer glimpses of what this peninsula must have been like hundreds, even thousands of years ago, before Europeans set about despoiling the continent. You could rent a canoe or kayak if you want to work that hard. In some places, you can go tubing if you don't mind butt-numbing temperatures and being at eye level with snakes and alligators that make the neighbor's murderous rottweilers look like playful puppies. But if you like the shade of a canopy and the comfort of dry, padded seats; if you want to bring your camera, binoculars, field guides to flora and fauna and your copy of Bartram's Travels; and coolers filled with food and drink, then a charter is for you. I recommend Captain Tom's in Silver Springs. Featuring comfy 24-foot pontoon boats and captains who know and care about the natural environment, Captain Tom's provides an enjoyable and enlightening experience. We saw herons, egrets, cormorants, ibis, alligators, turtles and, yes, even rhesus monkeys. Cap'n Erika told us that the Silver Springs tourist attraction imported them and put them on an island, not realizing they were good swimmers. They promptly escaped and populated the surrounding countryside. The young 'uns chase each other up and down trees, swing from vines and generally act like monkeys, while the elders take up sentry positions around them in the woods and on the river bank. You can book Captain Tom's for a fishing trip, a moonlight cruise or whatever else you want (within reason). They'll take you on the Silver or Ocklawaha rivers, Salt Springs or Lake Kerr for approximately $12 to $32 per person, depending on the length of trip you want (three to eight hours) and number of people you bring. For an extra $20, they'll take you on the Rainbow, Withlacoochee, St. Johns, Homossassa or Crystal rivers, Harris chain of lakes, Lake Weir, Orange Lake or Cross Creek, among others.For more information or to book a tour, call 352-546-4823 or 352-236-0872 or write P.O. Box 1836, Silver Springs, FL 34489.