It’s been a whirlwind week in the political realm. Here’s our take, as viewed through the lens of the Seven Kingdoms. (Spoiler alert: If you haven’t read the books or seen Season Five, you may want to skip the last one.)
MARCO RUBIO
The U.S. Senator from Florida seemed to be the anointed one after snagging the coveted third place spot in Iowa. But during a debate in the final stretch of the primary lead-up in New Hampshire, New Jersey Gov. Christie called him out for his tightly scripted repetition of the same phrases, which Rubio continued to recite the next day. In a word, he choked.
So, once again, and for an entirely different reason, we award him with a Joffrey Baratheon . (Bonus: Sheldon Adelson, conservative billionaire casino magnate who backs him, is Cersei Lannister .)
JOHN KASICH
The Ohio governor’s numbers were never really that good, and his messaging has always been well to the left of most of the GOP field. He just seems so nice we figured he didn’t have a shot. But in famously moderate New Hampshire, he came in second, which is a damn fine showing. Now he has a boost in name recognition, we reckon, that’ll help him out in subsequent states.
A surprising rise to the top after the fall of a diabolical boy wonder? We’ll give him Tommen Baratheon .
BERNIE SANDERS
The U.S. Senator from Vermont didn’t just win in New Hampshire. He won by nearly 20 points against Democratic establishment favorite Hillary Clinton. He did so largely by unifying multiple factions of the party with a message of social and economic justice (that is, every faction aside from rich old people). He faces an uncertain future in the ensuing primaries in states where Hillary has a stronghold, and as he gains prominence he’ll also be a target for shadowy organizations trying to take him out for the good of the status quo.
Very Daenerys Targaryen .
JEB BUSH
He may have seemed like something of an heir apparent (or error apparent) before Donald Trump jumped into the race, but poor debate performances early on landed the former Florida governor on a downward trajectory in the polls. He became a pretty easy target for his primary opponents, with Rubio calling him out for being too scripted (pot, meet kettle) and Trump calling him “low energy.”
Prior to New Hampshire, many pundits had declared him dead. But… IS HE? We don’t know. Sort of like Jon Snow .
