Get this, guys!
Somewhere south of downtown Philly, near the parking lot of the ikea where most Philadelphians buy weed after two in the morning, Republicans have set up their "RNC at the DNC" sideshow.
It's similar to The Daily Show's sideshow exhibit at the RNC, a hysterical undertaking that by no means took itself seriously, except that it takes itself seriously.
By contrast, this takes place at a boxing venue.
And the guests are sure as shit ready to box. More accurately, they're not done boxing on the heels of last week.
Apparently angered at the incredible diversity, honest discussion and lack of racist overtones at the Democratic National Convention, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani sought to rail against Clinton because her supporters have not talked about famed Fox News talking points like Benghazi.
For starters, he seemed puzzled as to why former president Bill Clinton didn't dedicate his speech to Benghazi, given how last week Melania Trump spoke extensively on the complexities of the subprime mortgage crisis that helped enrich real estate moguls like her husband (privately in the mirror before she aped Michelle Obama's speech, of course).
Wait, that didn't happen?
Oh.
"It was a beautiful love story; that's great. But it left out Benghazi. It left out resetting the relationship with Russia," Giuliani said of Clinton's speech.
You know what that means: drink!
…if only the margarita stand weren't so far away…and inadequately stocked pursuant to our needs.
There were also some references to Clintons' "monetary relationship with Russia."
Also, he said:
"I can't believe that it's come to the fact that the president of France is stronger and tougher than the Democratic Party."
At least they gave away coozies to remind us of the cocktails a short Uber fare away.
Congressman Lee Zeldin, who is apparently from New York and probably hopes to break some glass ceiling that doesn't exist, was on the assist.
"The Republican party showed last week at our convention that we are putting the highest priority on keeping Americans safe, secure and free," he said. "This convention…is one that is trying to ignore reality. They are trying to change the topic because they are not prepared to lead on these critical issues."
Oh, while we're here, we might as well tell you what the former New York mayor said regarding Trump's assertion that Russia should try to hack further in to Clinton's emails (something some deem utterly irresponsible and borderline treasonous) (brace yourself; this is hysterical):
"I'm sure what he means is that they should be released to the FBI," Giuliani said. "I'm sure that's what he meant."
Sure. Yes. Apologies. Apologies all around.
This article appears in Jul 21-28, 2016.