In keeping with our totally non-denominational holiday theme, we asked a bunch of local notables to answer two totally non-denominational and extremely open-ended questions:
1. If you could give a gift to anyone, who would it be and what would you give?
2. Tell us your wackiest, weirdest, funniest or just plain most dysfunctional family memory.
Here's what they told us:
Alayne Unterberger
Executive Director, Florida Institute for Community Studies, Inc. (FICS)
1. "I would give two gifts — equally needed. The first would be for the millions of undocumented immigrants living in the shadows of this country and risking their lives in order to do jobs no citizens want to do. They still believe in the American Dream, and many do achieve it, but I would give them a better chance through a new amnesty program where they could immediately regularize their immigration status. The second gift would be to the families of the soldiers in the Middle East; I'd give them their loved ones for at least one week, safe and sound."
2. "One day a colleague of my father brought us a Chanukah bush. It was very, very gaudy. My dad put it right there beside the television as my mother just stared at it in awe. It was bright pink, about 3-feet tall, with fake spray-on snow, and we didn't know what to do with it. My best friend, who was Sicilian, told me we should put ornaments on it but we didn't have any, so it just sat there, kind of lonely, for eight days. Come to think of it, I guess my parents threw it out because I never saw it again. This probably explains why the Chanukah bush didn't really become the commercial success the Xmas tree did.
"Kamran Mir
Guitarist/Vocalist, Urbane Cowboys; Co-host, WMNF's 11th Hour (Sundays)
1. "Given the fact that she dresses like a blind, insane child with ADD, I would give Christina Aguilera a mirror. … I'd give Thomas Jefferson a Dawn of the Dead, Pet Sematary-style killing-rampage resurrection, so he could wreak havoc on Washington, D.C."
2. "When I was in the ninth grade, we lived in Pakistan, which is mostly Muslim — there's a small Christian contingent. During the Christmas season, I remember exactly one billboard and one commercial [for Christmas stuff]. They were both for the same bakery, advertising this crappy little cake that said 'Happy Christmas.' But it was only depressing because we were away from our mom, and the routine we had every year. When you're an adult it's drudgery, but when you're a kid, it's still exciting."
Maryann Ferenc
Co-Proprietor, Mise en Place Restaurant, Tampa
1. "Peace of mind to my mother who has Alzheimer's. … Intelligence combined with heart to our leaders in government."
2. "I tend to be overzealous in trying to make a great holiday. We had this Thanksgiving planned, even though we had just moved into this retail space on MacDill called The Market. It was our first Thanksgiving there. It was huge. We served hundreds of turkeys for carryout. I had planned still for family to come into town and asked local people to join us. After having a complete breakdown in the afternoon — 'I was on the phone saying, "There will be no Thanksgiving!"' — we just invited people to The Market. We ate out of pots, leftover turkey … and people had not only to help me clean up their dinner but the restaurant.
"You know what? It was successful. It always reminds me my family and my dearest friends know that I always put more on the plate than I should, [but] it all comes together in the end."
Michael Harvey
Well-known atheist (he’s the guy who raised a ruckus with his invocation to the Tampa City Council in July)
1. “I would give the gift of a rational, compassionate and sane mind to political and religious conservatives everywhere. It would be my hope that they might cease trying to dominate everyone and everything, and that they would recognize the pathological folly of trying to self-fulfill their inhuman, Bronze Age-mythological prophecy of Armageddon.”
2. “It is an old Italian tradition among more prosperous families to have a seven-course dinner on Christmas Eve, comprised of antipasto followed by courses of various types of seafood cooked different ways, augmented by cordials and red wines. The debauchery lasts all day, as any good debauchery should. On or about our second Christmas together, my ex-wife and her sister undertook the noble task of increasing my girth (and that of Grant’s — my then brother in-law) to Pavarotti-sized proportions. … Words cannot convey the beauty of the antipasto, or the calamari stew over gnocchi. After consuming this rare treat, the heavens opened, angels sang, demons wept, I burped, Grant farted, we both giggled, then fell into a deep-fried lethargy, followed by an advanced state of alpha-wave semi-consciousness, ultimately resulting in a nerve-deadening deep sleep accompanied by immense involuntary drooling. … If there is a moral to this story I must direct it to my fellow men: In matters of the stomach, as in matters of the heart, it’s always best to pace yourself.”
Doc Lovett
Community Volunteer, Lead Singer and Guitarist for the Blues Punks
“If I could give anything to anyone, I would give my two kids more time with me when they were growing up. I have 16- and 18-year-old boys who’ve had to deal with a musician father, which means I wasn’t around as much as I would like to have been.”
Melinda Chavez
Executive Director, Tampa Bay Business Committee for the Arts
1. “I would give to the city of Tampa the sense of place and a wonderful downtown environment that I think it’s going to have — only a little sooner.”
2. “Many years ago, my two daughters received horses, one each, for Christmas. Television crews showed up, the horses went running around and scraped the girls off their backs by going under tree branches, and the whole neighborhood was in an uproar! And those creatures never did calm down.”
Steve “Uncle Creepy” Barton
The Horror Channel
1. “I would buy my girlfriend, Debi, a volume switch to use on me. Lord knows I can be a real pain in the ass. You know, incessant bitching, nonstop polka sing-alongs, rants [on topics] ranging from origami to the most efficient ways to whittle a tiny wooden duck.”
2. “The first time that I cooked a Thanksgiving Day turkey by myself, I never knew about the dreaded ‘bag.’ There I am, 8 a.m., sitting with my arm shoved up a 25-pound bird’s ass, grabbing around for the Mystery Sack O’ Entrails™. I have never felt so dirty. I was in therapy for about seven months as a result, and to this day refuse to ever again get so personal with my meal.”
Natty Moss Bond
Singer, Sparky’s Nightmare
“I would buy a house for my sister; a college education for my niece, Kaitlyn Moss; a laboratory for inventing things for my brother (he’s like an electronics whiz, and he’s always got the greatest ideas I’ve ever heard); a trip to Europe for my mother; and a private KISS concert on Grand Cayman for my man.”
Sarah Perez, aka sarahintampa
Blogger/Girl Geek
“I’d give the writers of ABC’s Lost $1,000 to tell me what the frick is that monster in the jungle.
I’d give myself a break from the last-minute shopping hell I go through every year at Christmas and donate to Habitat to Humanity instead.
I’d build a website for my husband’s business.
I’d give country singers the next year off.
I’d give my lungs relief by quitting smoking.”
Lucious P. Slugworth
Lyricist/Vocalist, Lucious P. Slugworth & The Burning Seeds Orchestra
“I would give all of the Red Sox heroes of the past the opportunity to play on the 2004 team, so they could win a World Series. Or maybe I’d give Ted Williams a proper, respectful burial, pull him out of the freezer. I would give the New York Yankees an appropriate number of hankies.”
Jerry Martini
Former saxophonist for Sly and the Family Stone & current Saxophonist for Life! The First Family of Funk
1. “I recorded an album a little while back called Heart to Heart. It was never released but I like to give copies of it to close friends, people who like “love jams” and people whom I care about and who care about me. It’s romantic music, soft and beautiful, good for both men and women. If I could give it to anyone, I’d probably choose Carlos Santana, because we go back a ways, and his wife, Debbie, is a friend of the family. They’ve had a very romantic marriage for the last 25 years or so, so I think it’d be something they’d both enjoy.”
2. “My wackiest Christmas has to be the year I was on the road with Prince. We had, like, 56 people staying in this hotel in Germany. … We waited for hours to get our food, the orders were wrong, people kept running all over the place — it was a nightmare.”
Howard Troxler
St. Petersburg Times Metro columnist
1. “I would give Galileo a kick-ass telescope; Galen an X-ray machine with a note saying ‘Forget that “humours” nonsense’; the Apostle Paul a copy of The Da Vinci Code; and Augustine a copy of I’m OK, You’re OK. I would also give the Florida Legislature the ‘gift’ of fairly drawn districts that guaranteed each one of them a legitimate challenger every election.”
2. “I want a bike. I want a bike. I want a bike. I want a bike. I get a bike. I take it for that first dramatic ride down the hill that ran down beside our house. Right into the thick rose bushes. Much disinfectant resulted, and not gently either, but that red stuff with the hard plastic applicator that hurt like heck and left stains all over you. Merry Christmas.”
Chris Fisher
Morning show host, 97X
1. “Mom. I would give her the house she always wanted. I, like athletes, come from humble means. She always pictured herself on a ranch with horses.”
2. “I have a couple, really, but I’m gonna have to go with choice number two, because choice number one I could never speak out loud. Choice number two is when I was 12 and my younger brother was 11, at a holiday function in Ocala. I found my brother and a cousin kissing behind a mobile home. … I started laughing at him, and threatened to tell our Mom, but I didn’t.
“OK, I’ll tell you number two. I hope this doesn’t get me in trouble.” [Editor’s Note: You’ll have to ask Chris to tell you this one himself, because it probably would get him in trouble.]
Pauline Maiello
Bartender, State Theatre
“When my brother and I were little, I don’t even know how old, we used to go to upstate New York to my grandparents’ house [for the holidays]. One time, my brother thought that he heard the reindeer hooves on the roof at, like, 5 or 6 in the morning, so we went downstairs. Every Christmas Eve, my parents and aunt would have a party after we went to bed, get hammered and set all the presents out, make it look like Santa came. So we went downstairs, and everything’s set up like Santa had just visited, except my aunt is on the sofa in her bra and panties, totally passed out. We went upstairs and woke up my dad, and told him our aunt was downstairs. Of course, he told us she was Santa’s new girlfriend.”
Brad Culpepper
Attorney, Morgan Colling & Gilbert; former Tampa Bay Buccaneer
1. “I would give a brain to George Bush, a heart to Dick Cheney and courage to Colin Powell (so he should stand up against partisan Republican rhetoric).”
2. “My first year at University of Florida, we played in the Hula Bowl game in Hawaii on Christmas. We lost to Troy Aikman’s UCLA team. Instead of turkey and dressing, we had poi for breakfast. We played at noon. But there was a national high school cheerleading convention that same weekend, so it just so happens that my wishes did come true.”
Bobby Jewell
Comedian/owner of Side Splitters Comedy Club, Tampa
“I hated Christmas when I was a kid. I believed in Santa Claus and so did my parents. That fucker never came to my house. No, actually, my family was quite generous around the holidays, under the auspices of what we lived with. I did not grow up affluent. There was one time, though, that Grandma forgot to put sugar in an apple pie. We walked around for two days with our cheeks sucked in, it was so sour.”
A.A. Rucci
Beaker Gallery owner/professional artist
“In the mid-’90s I was visiting my girlfriend’s family in the mountains of Austria. Her mother, an especially arrogant local politician, was holding a Weihnacht’s Fest on Christmas Eve for 300 of the most prominent members of the town. The highlight of the evening was to be the selection of the New Year’s Suckling — the baby piglet intended to represent good luck for the following year, 1996.
“At 11 p.m. the orchestra sounded the bugles. Dressed in evening gowns and tuxedos, the intoxicated guests proceeded down a candle-lined path to the gloriously lit royal stables where, with much fanfare, my girlfriend’s mother retold the familiar story of the Good Luck Piglet.
“At precisely midnight the stable guards opened the doors for the presentation. But the “chosen youth” — the teenage nephew of our hosts — was not standing inside with the piglet as expected. Wondering where he could be, my girlfriend, her father and I quickly walked to the back of the stables. As we approached, we heard a thunderous screech. Turning into the stall, we discovered the nephew “doggy-styling” the very large mother pig, who was distracted by a freshly filled trough of slop. By then, other guests and reporters had arrived at the stall to discover the family scandal. “My future ex-mother-in-law lost the re-election.”
Tara Schroeder
Mistress of Tampa Theatre
1 “[I would buy] new seats for Tampa Theatre — with adjustable lumbar support, more leg room, plush cushions, cup holders and, of course, scantily clad cabana boy personal concessions service.”
2. “One year, our tree lingered long after Christmas, so we simply ‘re-purposed’ it for subsequent holidays. Being good New Orleans Catholics, we waited until Epiphany (Jan. 6) to de-Christmas the tree. Epiphany marks the beginning of the Mardi Gras season and King Cake parties. During this time, our festive tree was decorated with beads and doubloons, although we opted to exclude the leftover panties. Perhaps I should explain: Along with beads and doubloons, many krewes throw panties (not used, to the best of my knowledge) printed with their logos. Our tree was still green on Ash Wednesday, so we Easter-ized it. By Easter Sunday, our valiant tree’s needles were dropping like sleepy kids at Midnight Mass on Christmas. It was a fine tree and served us well.”
Russell Rhodes
Fox-13 TV News Guy
“When I was a senior at Paris High School in Paris, Texas, my English teacher asked our class to write about our favorite Christmas memory. The best of them would be published in the local newspaper. “My story centered around spending Christmas with my Dad’s family. I hated it. Bad food, burping and endless discussions of who had bought the newest and most expensive car. As luck would have it, the piece was published. Front page on Christmas Day, 1978!
“I had warned my mother that it might be happening. Fearing what Dad would do, she sat up all night and waited for the morning paper. The people at the Paris News had the decency to leave my name out of it. “Some relief there. My mother, however, feared Dad would figure it out. She took the front section out and gave the rest of the paper to my father. When Dad asked, ‘Where’s the rest of the paper?’ Mom said, ‘I guess they left out the front page because it’s Christmas.’
“Some years later, we told Dad about it. He laughed. I think he hated spending Christmas with his family, too.
“To this day, though, that story is the best writing I ever did.”
This article appears in Nov 17-23, 2004.