Most Tampa commuters associate the Get Motivated! Seminars with one thing: gridlock.

But after being bombarded with mailers promoting the April 27 St. Pete Times Forum event featuring such luminaries as Colin Powell, Rudy Giuliani and Tony Dungy for the rock-bottom price of $4.95, and curious as to what these titans actually say that allows them to charge sometimes as much as $100,000 for a speech, I decided to check it out for myself.

What I discovered was an odd amalgam of Oprah-style inspiration, financial advice and lots of religion. In case you plan to get motivated in the future, here's a guide to what to expect.

The Minister. Leon Patillo — former lead singer with Santana, now an ordained Christian minister — sings the national anthem. No, it isn't "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways."

The Coach. Former college football head coach and current ESPN analyst Lou Holtz gets the crowd going with home-town appeals (he announces his son will be manning the sidelines for USF next fall) and irrefutable platitudes ("Everybody needs somebody to love, something to believe in and something to hope for.")

The Motivators. Really excited guys stand up from time to time and yell, "Today is all about you — invest in yourself! Don't you deserve it? This is one day for you."

America's Mayor. Like his ill-fated 2007-2008 presidential run, Rudy Giuliani's speech is a disappointment. Rudy has news from 1998: "There's an information revolution out there," he tells us helpfully. "You have to be on the Internet."

The Dad. John Walsh, ubiquitous anti-crime activist and host of Fox's America's Most Wanted, talks about the events leading up to the death of his late son Adam back in 1981, which resulted in his becoming an advocate for missing children and victims' rights.

Financial advice, whether you like it or not. "How many like to expand their minds?" asks finance guy Bob Kittell. "How many like to do that without drugs?" Then he goes on for nearly an hour about investments. In conclusion, he mentions upcoming seminars he'll be hosting in Tampa. Attendees march like lemmings to sign up (at a cost).

Big Mama Lowe. Tamara Lowe is the co-founder and executive vice president of Get Motivated Seminars, and brands herself as "the world's #1 female motivational speaker." During her presentation, she name-drops celebrity pals, discusses her checkered past, gets into the specific ingredients for motivation — and then the religion kicks in. "There are only two opinions that matter," she says. "Your opinion and God's opinion." "The real superstar is Jesus." "Give your life to God while there's still time." The video scoreboards show some audience members cheering, and some staring frozen at the stage.

Dancing fools. After lunch, a DJ spins various dance tunes, with some lucky celebrants selected to come on stage to dance some more and possibly win a vacation at Disney World. I will not forget the unholy vision of a maniacally dancing middle-aged Dick Vitale lookalike.

Mr. Secretary. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is funny and moving, and also dares to say that he doesn't believe that our national security is at risk under Barack Obama. "Despite what you may have heard, we're a lot safer than we were," he says. "Terrorists may come again, and we'll mourn if they do. But they can't change who we are — freedom-loving people. Only we can do that to ourselves. We're Americans! We're not going to be intimidated by some clown in a cave in Pakistan."

Zig sagging. Legendary motivational speaker Zig Ziglar had a fall recently, we're told, and suffers from short-term memory loss. He is accompanied onstage by one of his daughters, who reads questions aloud to him. At times it looks like she's also there to make sure that he doesn't walk off the side of the stage.

Mr. Smith. James Smith, a true original, stalks the stage giving financial advice and dismissing lazy Americans. "A lot of you look pissed off," he barks à la the late Sam Kinison. "Some of you are addicted to sports, but some of you can't even jump. When they tip it off, shut if off." He throws in some Washington-bashing and some Christian philosophy, but he's alive in a way that none of the other presenters are. And he's got some golden one-liners: "Everything you say is true. If you think you're ugly, you are." And, "If you hate black people, you're going to hell."

I have to leave before seeing Dr. Robert Schuller and Tony Dungy. Afterwards I contact the Get Motivated! folks (whose corporate office is in Tampa) with questions about the event. A media spokesman insists I'll get a response via e-mail, but it doesn't happen.

There's another seminar scheduled in Baltimore this week. Time to get the machine rolling again.

This article appears in May 5-11, 2010.