Break out the sublingual B-12, Tylenol and about a gallon of water, for tonight, as they say, is the night.
Millions of Americans on either side of the political spectrum will be tuning into the Fox News/Facebook GOP presidential candidate debate. With comically right-wing billionaire Donald Trump leading the polls among Republicans, many expect other candidates to try to steal the spotlight by out-Trumping Trump. Of the 17 major announced Republican candidates, the ten allowed to participate are Donald Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and John Kasich.
Even Democratic groups are holding events at which they can simultaneously laugh and cringe at what gets said. We'll be liveblogging from the Stonewall Democrats' debate night watch party at Edge of 9 in St. Petersburg.
The internet has been swirling with proposed drinking games based on right-wing rhetoric and talking points, as well as Trump's narcissism and the GOP's deification of Ronald Reagan. But not all drinking games are created equal. Some go easy on those who play; others carry with them the potential for hospitalization.
Here, we rank the games by the beating your liver will withstand should you choose to partake.
For the lightweights.
Given the repetition of tired phrases hard-right Republicans parrot in order to convince an unwitting electorate they're speaking the "truth," try to stay away from the games that require you to drink every time someone says something. If you're someone who can't handle more than a beer or two, go with Rolling Stone's suggested drinking game.
It only requires you to swig your beverage the first time the audience applauds at a racist comment, someone promises to "take America back" or Trump mentions his own wealth or "intelligence."
It does require you to drink every time someone says "thug" or "war on Christmas."
Caveat: if someone says "Kenya" or "all lives matter," you're fucked. Take a shot of Jager.
For the "social" drinker.
The website NewsCult's drinking game rules are somewhat moderate and include taking a drink every time someone "talks shit about Obama" and two swigs every time someone mentions taxes, abortion or Benghazi. Finish your drink every time someone mentions Planned Parenthood, and down a whole new bottle every time Trump's hair takes on a life of its own. Find the rest of the rules here.
For the pros.
Many websites offer challenges that are not for the faint of liver, and not ones that we would recommend to anyone, ever, unless you're already on your deathbed or something. If you are feeling adventurous, don't plan on operating heavy machinery for a few days and have hearty dinner plans ahead of the event.
What makes these particularly dangerous are the anti-Obama, anti-everything-that-makes-life-wonderful catchphrases the 10 showmen are expected to utter with a shudder-inducing degree of frequency. If your friends do insist on playing this one, stick with the lightest beer you can find and make sure, again, that you drink plenty of water.
The site Reverb Press offers a disclaimer ahead of its debate-night drinking game offering:
NOTICE: Playing this drinking game may result in extreme, irreparable physical and psychological damage, up to and including death. Please drink responsibly, and know that Reverb Press claims no responsibility for anything that happens before, during, or after playing this game, including, but not limited to, nausea, vomiting, violent hangovers, bizarre nightmares with Ted Cruz dressed up like the clown from Stephen King’s “It,” spurts of unexpected racism, unfortunate voice mails left on your ex’s phone, and/ or brainwashing that converts you into a birther nutcase. The only guarantee we have is that this game will definitely make you black-out drunk before the end of the debate.
The game includes four tiers:
Drink once every time someone says phrases like “Obamacare,” "free market" or "socialism" or makes a reference to Ronald Reagan.
Drink twice every time a candidate bashes "illegals," Muslims or gay marriage (or "confesses their love for Ronald Reagan)."
Drink three times each time one mentions Planned Parenthood or bootstraps, says something sexist or directly quotes Ronald Reagan.
Finish your drink every time one of them promises to shut down Planned Parenthood, "confuses socialism, fascism, and/or communism," or says they're the most Reagan-like of all the candidates.
If you have a death wish.
Not one we recommend for anyone, ever: The website Cloture Club lists among its rules that you should a) slam an entire beer every time someone complains about the outrage over Cecil the Lion in the context of Planned Parenthood, b) bounce a quarter into a shot, then drink it every time Trump mentions his wealth and c) knock back an entire Mexican beer whenever a candidate announces his love for Latinos.
This article appears in Aug 6-12, 2015.