The media is having a field day hypnotizing Americans with fear over the impending Porkacolypse, but is this newest incarnation of doomsday actually keeping us from getting laid?
I realize everyone is tired of the Swine Flu. All my friends roll their eyes at its mere mention. I get it. But trends around my college campus are beginning to shift, and I'm starting to worry. I mean the slutty chicks are still willing to lay any wookie, but the marginally wild women who drink apple martinis on barstools while their thongs creep out the top of their business skirts are becoming even more inaccessible. They are sitting on barstools with their legs crossed, like ladies for God's sake. My boy Shawn who NEVER has a problem landing a lady had two drinks he bought for prospective partners sent back with a "No thanks." The girls are turning down free booze now? He's lucky I like girly drinks.
(READER POLE AFTER THE JUMP)
This article appears in May 6-12, 2009.