Has anyone ever been [email protected]#$% by an Oscar award?

Are Oscars put anywhere other than mantles?

I'd like to thank the Academy ...

So the Oscar nominations just came out. The same question plagues me every year — both at nomination time and when the awards roll around. How many people do you think have been fucked with an Oscar? I mean, it's shaped just right and so associated with power, fantasy, etc. that it's just gotta happen, and I'm betting pretty often. Have you heard any news along these lines? Do you think I'm off base?

Hoping Every Lovely Little Oscar Gets Oiled Really Good Evoking Orgasms Up Starbutts

First, a programming note: When readers noticed that I was turning sign-offs into acronyms to save space, they began crafting sign-offs that resulted in amusing and/or revealing acronyms. But long sign-offs, even if they make for terrific acronyms, don't save space. So limit your creative sign-off to no more than five or six words, dear readers, if you want to see it in print. (I'm making an exception for HELLOGORGEOUS.)

OK, HELLOGORGEOUS, your letter arrived on the day I had the distinct pleasure/honor of hanging out with a couple of people who just so happen to have four — four! — Oscars on a shelf in their offices. Spooky! They laughed when I showed them your letter. Not because they had fucked themselves with their Oscars, HELLOGORGEOUS, but because the first thing they observed about their Oscars was that they were, indeed, "shaped just right."

I didn't press them on whether they had confirmed their suspicions — we'd only just met — but rest assured, HELLOGORGEOUS, if it can be stuffed in someone's ass and/or twat, however inadvisable said stuffing might be, someone somewhere has shoved the thing — Coke bottle, Oscar statuette, Scott Brown action figure — into an ass and/or twat.

A few years before my wife and I met, she made porn with her boyfriend at the time. He intended to start a pay-per-view website but never launched it. I was a bit upset when she told me, but then I remembered that I enjoy porn, and the idea of seeing the hottest woman I've ever met — and am now married to — doing porn might be really enjoyable, even though I wouldn't want her sleeping with anyone else now.

I realize that to get these tapes I'd have to contact the ex and that might be a bad idea. What do you think?

Torn Over Porn

Um ... what does she think? The wife? Have you asked her? Does she want you to see the porn she made with her ex? Does she want to have any contact — even if you handle the negotiations — with her ex?

If she's cool with it, and thinks the ex will be cool with it, by all means ask for the tapes. But hold on to my e-mail address, TOP, just in case her ex is bigger than you, appears to be better in bed, clearly provided your girlfriend with more shattering orgasms, etc., and you have a careful-what-you-wish-for/no-one-could've-predicted meltdown and need someone to talk you off the ledge.

I see women prostitutes who are over 30 and independent. Twice in the last five years, the woman I was seeing turned out to be a post-op transsexual. They were both nice people, and I wish them well. But I prefer nature's own vaginas. Some TSs disclose; some don't. Some wind up getting outed and trashed. I am sure it limits their income. What are the rules?

Prefers Really Original Sex

There are no rules in an illegal and unregulated marketplace, PROS, although I'm not sure how "truth in packaging" provisions could be enforced if prostitution were legal and regulated. So caveat emptor, boys, and try to mix a little empathy in with your emptoring. Many TS sex workers are engaged in what social workers call "survival prostitution" — they're marginalized, they don't have familial or societal support, and they're selling sex to keep roofs over their heads — so they're not duping you for shits and giggles.

And there are worse things than accidentally sticking your dick in a woman who was born into a man's body, PROS. Did you catch Charlize Theron's Academy Award-winning performance in Monster?

Scroll to read more Tampa Bay News articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.