Heavy petting

My boyfriend, our cat and one awkward situation.

click to enlarge Heavy petting - Joe Newton
Joe Newton
Heavy petting

I have an awesome relationship with an awesome guy. He loves me and takes care of me. I’m GGG and he’s vanilla. I only draw the line at poop, animals, and children. But he’s never asked me for anything other than vanilla sex. Which is why I don’t know what to do. I went downstairs late the other night, and he was sitting on the couch masturbating while stroking the cat, which was sitting on his chest. The cat was sitting ON him, Dan, WHILE he was yanking himself. I don’t know if he saw me. I went right back upstairs and went to bed. In the morning, he acted like nothing happened. Now I don’t know what to do. Confront him? Get him help? Get rid of the cat?

Can’t Analyze This

Pets want to be petted, and some pets are pushy about getting their pet on. Bearing that in mind, CAT, I want you to pick the two likeliest scenarios out of these four options:

A. Your boyfriend is attracted to your cat.

B. Your awesome boyfriend — unlike so many other boyfriends — is capable of doing two things at once.

C. Your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking the Almond Roca out of your cat’s ass.

D. Your awesome boyfriend needed to rub one out and he was considerate enough to slip out of bed and go downstairs — so as not to wake you (he’s awesome like that) — and there he was, lying back on the couch, concentrating on the task at hand, when the cat jumped up on his chest.

Now, you were there, CAT, and I wasn’t, which means you’re in a much better position to judge. But I think B and D are the likeliest scenarios: Your boyfriend was having a wank when the cat jumped on him, for a few moments he divided his attentions between stroking the cat and stroking himself — those moments you were unlucky enough to witness — and at some point he pushed the cat off his chest and turned back to the task at hand.

But, again, you were there, CAT, I wasn’t. So did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating about the cat, with the cat, or at the cat? Or did it look like your boyfriend was masturbating in the immediate vicinity of the cat? These are questions that only you can answer.

And here’s a question that only your boyfriend can answer, CAT, and I think you should put it to him: “I came down the other night and you were beating off with the cat sitting on your chest—what was that about?”

And here’s the answer you’re likely to get: “I was jerking it and the cat jumped up on me and I petted her for a minute mid-wank — but I didn’t want to lose my hard-on and have to start all over, so the part of my brain that regulates higher boner function instructed my right hand to go into erection-maintenance mode. But I wasn’t perving on the cat, honey, I swear.”

Your awesome boyfriend will say that even if he was perving on the cat, CAT. But if he has the decency and good sense to lie to you about it, you should have the decency and good sense to pretend to believe him.

CONFIDENTIAL TO LGBT KIDS WITH CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN PARENTS: Matthew Vines is your new best friend. Watch his video about what the Bible does and doesn’t say about being gay and send the link to your mother and father: http://tinyurl.com/matthewvines.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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