How to be a St. Pete tourist

Tips for pretending you're new in town.

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There's no better excuse for acting drunk and confused during the day in St. Pete than pretending to be a tourist. Here's a guide on how to blend in with vacationers in downtown no matter what your perverse reasons.

• Sunbathe or swim at the North Shore Park "beach" and pretend not to notice the smell.

• Wear an unused bathing suit beneath a cover-up while eating on the sidewalk outside a restaurant on Beach Drive.

• Stop your car in the middle of Beach and ask a pedestrian for directions to the Dali Museum while holding up traffic.

• Linger on the sidewalk near the Museum of Fine Arts waiting for a passerby to volunteer to take photos of you attempting to climb the giant Java Kapok tree.

• Pay for parking.

• Roam around a gift shop touching everything, then tell the clerk you're just browsing.

• Ride the Looper Trolley and take photos of historic parking garages.

• Ask if the Rays play at Progress Energy Park Stadium.

• Take a picture while contracting herpes from The Fountain of Youth on First Street SE.

• Take a photo in front of the giant purple Chihuly phallus.

• Mistake your Segway for an all-terrain vehicle and fall on your face.

• Molest the Clydesdales.

• Go to the St. Pete Pier.

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