There's no better excuse for acting drunk and confused during the day in St. Pete than pretending to be a tourist. Here's a guide on how to blend in with vacationers in downtown no matter what your perverse reasons.
• Sunbathe or swim at the North Shore Park "beach" and pretend not to notice the smell.
• Wear an unused bathing suit beneath a cover-up while eating on the sidewalk outside a restaurant on Beach Drive.
• Stop your car in the middle of Beach and ask a pedestrian for directions to the Dali Museum while holding up traffic.
• Linger on the sidewalk near the Museum of Fine Arts waiting for a passerby to volunteer to take photos of you attempting to climb the giant Java Kapok tree.
• Pay for parking.
• Roam around a gift shop touching everything, then tell the clerk you're just browsing.
• Ride the Looper Trolley and take photos of historic parking garages.
• Ask if the Rays play at Progress Energy Park Stadium.
• Take a picture while contracting herpes from The Fountain of Youth on First Street SE.
• Take a photo in front of the giant purple Chihuly phallus.
• Mistake your Segway for an all-terrain vehicle and fall on your face.
• Molest the Clydesdales.
• Go to the St. Pete Pier.
This article appears in May 12-18, 2011.