How to have an affair without getting caught

• Have a bank account she doesn’t know about. Pull cash from this account for hotels and dates and toss your receipts.

• Shower before you go home. Whether at your partner's place, a hotel, or the gym, wash off that sex funk, lipstick, stray hairs, and cheap perfume.

• Have a legitimate excuse for getting out more. This can be anything from taking a second job — say as a Sex & Love reporter that requires you to go out at off hours — to joining a softball team. These activities not only work as a legitimate cover for being away from home, they also increase your chance of meeting a lover.

• Go on a man-cation: Hit a tourist hot spot with a friend who shares your relationship sentiments. Places like Vegas are famous for groups of singles looking to have weekend affairs.

• Be upfront with your lover that you’re in a relationship. Unless you have a one-night stand with a foreigner who doesn't know your name, she will likely try to friend you on Facebook or continue texting you. If your relationship comes as a shock to her after you've had sex, she may be so hurt that she feels the need to complain to your wife.

• Don’t fall in love. If you're looking for love you need a divorce, not an affair. Don't mistake the excitement of lust for love. Taking a mistress on dates or buying her flowers is a great way to get caught. Not only will this lead your lover on, it provides more evidence to your wife that your affair really wasn't just about sex.

• Don’t act guilty. If you're man enough to cheat, you’re man enough to take this secret to your grave. If the affair truly was just about sex, or it was an accident, don’t ruin a perfectly good relationship by feeling so guilty that you have to unload your emotional burden on your partner. Your pain is your problem. Deal with it.

• Always wear a condom and pull out. Nothing screams "affair" like an illegitimate child or an STD. Even if your partner claims she has only slept with her husband and she's sterile, remember that your relationship is based on lies.

• Have a secret email account and erase your Internet history. Never leave your computer logged on to your email. You husband will check it and he may not be as impressed with all the dong pictures you've cataloged under a folder marked "prospects." 

• If you must text, try to limit your messages to legitimate-sounding communications. Write "We should meet for lunch," instead of "I'm too horny to wait until this weekend to nail you."

• Always erase your voice mails and texts. Your husband can request your phone records, but he can’t review messages or voice mails unless you're stupid enough to keep them for sentimental purposes.

• Remember who comes first. Assuming that you're only cheating for the sexual gratification, remember that your wife comes first. If she has a shitty day at work, don't insist that you have to go out and "play softball" because your team needs you. Consider doing something nice for her every time you cheat, like bringing her flowers or taking her out. This will reduce her suspicions and remind her that you do love her. Don't be the asshole who only gives her flowers after you get caught.

• Don’t cheat if you’re wealthy and gearing up for a divorce. Married men make the mistake of thinking that just because they're separated, they're free. Wait until the divorce is settled to fool around. If you don't, your wife may hire a PI to track your lascivious activities and use this against you in court.

• Live in a big city or go out of town to cheat. It's not easy to explain to your husband why your neighbor saw you having a candlelight dinner with a client.

• Tell no one. You aren't in high school and you don't need to brag about who you're banging. Every person who knows about the affair reduces the degree of separation between the secret and your wife.

Affairs in the workplace. The good things about an office romance are that you see these coworkers  every day, you have an excuse to be with them, and they're already acquainted with your situation. Of course, you always run the risk of someone at the office catching on or your coworker going psycho when the relationship sours.

• Affairs with married people. The benefit of these relationships is that you both have something to lose if your secret gets out. You also don't have to deal as much with the question of, 'Where is all of this going?' However, by having sex with a married person you double your chances of getting caught and limit the places you can go for a sexual liaison.

• Affairs with single people. The problem many men have in an affair with a single woman is that even if she says otherwise, the sexual relationship may develop into a romantic one for her. As soon as you realize this and break things off, she may become bitter and tell your wife. The upside is that you can meet at her place and you have one less partner you have to plan your liaisons around.

• Don't get cocky. The moment you start thinking that you're too smart to get caught, you're going to get caught.

• Don't press an affair. Unless you were both drunk and you can both pretend it was a mistake, affairs are a very difficult thing to arrange. They involve feeling the other person out and plenty of flirting. If a potential partner has reservations, don't press it. This will just drive her away, and possibly push her to tell your wife. Your one advantage on the dating scene is that you have a woman at home and you don't need an affair. You aren't desperate. Tease your love interest until she comes to you. The same goes for when the affair fizzles. Don't risk getting caught just to have sex once more with your mistress. When the spark fades, walk away. Savor the memory of the secret  affair for masturbation fodder.

• Don't talk about your relationship with your lover. Nothing good can come of this. Dodge the issue. Channel Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris — "No names here!" Insist that this is just about sex. Don't exaggerate and say your spouse is a horrible bitch and that you're going to leave her, unless you are.

• Don't write about how to cheat under your real name.

• Get a divorce so you don’t have to cheat. There's no law saying you have to stay in a shitty marriage, or that you have to get married at all. Commit to the single life and a long string of fulfilling relationships. You'll break more hearts, but not to the degree that marital infidelity can destroy the life of a loved one, or your bank account.

• Expect to be caught. If you're man enough to handle multiple partners, then you must be man enough to deal with the consequences of getting caught. Cheating is a game. Sometimes you win, other times you lose, but that's part of what makes it so exciting.

Follow Alfie on Twitter or Facebook,

and email him if interested in writing about Sex and Love.

There are as many rationalizations for cheating as there are cheaters. Some people feel trapped in a sexually unsatisfying relationship due to children or financial pressures. Others are just addicted to the thrill of sex with a new partner. Cheating may not conform to modern social expectations of marriage, but the natural urge to stray does speak to the carnal beast in us all that is impulsive, instinctual and insatiable. While you won't be able to come up with a convincing reason to justify an affair (at least one that satisfies your partner), you can reduce the chances of getting caught, and thereby limit the need to spew such pathetic excuses. What follows are tips I've gathered from the private eyes at ISG who specialize in cheating spouses, my wife (who claims she has cheated on all of her partners excluding me), and my own dabblings at the edge of desire.

• Keep your lies as close to the truth as possible. A string of lies is like a house of cards. When one waivers, the rest will fall. Admit that you went over to a male co-worker's house for a drink. If something sexual had happened, wouldn't you have come up with a better excuse?

Scroll to read more Tampa Bay News articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.