We've all been there. Foggy-headed, bleary-eyed, fat-tongued, dry-mouthed, queasy and worried nut-less about getting an 8:45 a.m. DUI while driving to the office. You didn't mean to get incredibly loaded on a weeknight — drink your body weight and not tap out until the barkeep shoved you through the door. It just happened.
Unexpected intoxication can also occur when you hunker down at home. Bet your paycheck on a Monday Night Football game, lost and wound up draining an entire case of Bud? Been there, buddy. Tried to match the cocktalians of Mad Men drink for drink? I attempted that once. Not a nice way to start the week. Your girl said she was going out with her "friends" and didn't come home, prompting you to drain both bottles of Beaujolais? I hear ya, man. Or perhaps your girlfriend's girlfriend showed up with five bottles of Cristal and a strong desire to, um, experiment. And you, fully aware of a this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, wisely acquiesced.
Whatever the reason, you tied one on and now must face the fierce morning alarm-clock music, the mirror, the dancing stomach and the strong desire to die rather than spend eight grueling hours in a cubicle that resembles Dante's Ninth Circle of Hell.
Days like these separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls, the amateurs from the ombibulous pros. Because even seasoned drinkers surpass their stop sign on occasion. But, like the great high-ball warriors of old, we rise in the morning, start the coffee machine, jump in the shower and make sure we arrive at work on time. Because the first rule of hiding a hangover is not showing up late. That only draws added attention to the fact that your face looks like it just spent the night sandwiched between Kirstie Alley's ass cheeks.
Hardcore drinkers are typically prefer the hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-ya technique. It's a sure way to get you rockin' when you feel more fit for a tomb than a conference call, but beware — once you gulp down that Bloody Mary at the kitchen table, your body will require a constant stream of alcohol throughout the day in order to avoid The Big Crash. That's why God gave us vodka, a potent beverage that emits minimum fumes.
Throw a few minis in your briefcase. Make yourself a coffee, and load it with cream. Announce you are going outside for a "walk break." If some asshole asks why, tell him your doctor says you need more exercise. Bring your java and a vial of vodka along. Stir thoroughly with your pinkie. Return to desk with what I call a Hard Coffee. Leave beverage on your desk. The vodka scent is undetectable. Just make sure you don't set your cup out where someone might mistake it for his own container. I've found a corny, highly distinctive mug works best to ward off ninja sippers.
If you really overdid it the night before, though, the hair-of-the-dog trick won't work. Your body simply must expel some of that rancid alcohol coursing through your system like battery acid. Unfortunately, for many of us, the urge to hurl doesn't kick in until about 10 a.m., which means we're already at the office, in full view of co-workers and corporate suits.
The first rule of workplace puking is never, ever, do it in the restroom. Chances are, someone will walk in on you, see that you're yakking and yell to everyone in the cubicle farm that you're unleashing 80-proof vomit. Yeah, if you only do this once a year, you might be able to get away with the stomach virus/must-have-ate-some-bad-sushi line. But such bullshit won't fly if you're prone to more than one vicious hangover per season.
When the evil urge rattles your abdomen you must once again go with the "I need to take a walk" routine. If your office has only a parking lot outside, hover next to your car and let it rip. A better scenario is to have a shady, sequestered space staked out in advance. Mine is a nearby abandoned building. I've dropped so much stale booze in a certain spot, the grass won't grow.
Finally, when you come in to work sloshed, or stupefied from the night before, keep your mouth shut! Say as little as possible. Don't speak up at meetings. Don't try and join the other office members in a round of jokes. Don't flirt with the hottie receptionist who you may, or may not have, plowed in the front seat of her Volkswagen Jetta after the office Christmas party.
Slurred speech is more detrimental than a coffee mug half full of Popov or bloodshot eyes. So are off-color comments, X-rated monologues and all the other verbal carnage that can slip past a drunken man's lips. Trust me.
I have more tips for hiding a hangover or simply letting the bender ride, but it's time for me to make another Hard Coffee, so we'll have to revisit this topic at a future date. Cheers.
This article appears in Oct 29 – Nov 4, 2008.