In Congress

ENGLISH SOCCER HOOLIGANS TEAR UP GERMANY

Psst, hooligans ... Iraqi insurgents just called David Beckham a pussy.

TOP U.S. GENERAL IN IRAQ TALKS TROOP REDUCTION

Great. Now who's going to tell Bush and Cheney?

GOVERNMENT COMBS INTERNATIONAL BANKING RECORDS

We hear bin Laden special-orders the "Dogs Playing Poker" checks.

SUPERMAN RETURNS

Film franchise gets a much needed face-lift, but where's Richard Pryor?

WASHINGTON D.C. FLOODS AFTER MASSIVE RAINSTORM

Michael Chertoff ignores floodwater, drowns while trying to rescue wire-tapping gizmos.

HOUSE DEBATES CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT BANNING FLAG BURNING

The government's answer to global warming.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Man, that Thomas Jefferson had some handwriting.

THE SHRINERS ARE COMING!

Expect no delays, say planners; Shriner cars too tiny to clog interstate.

WARREN BUFFETT TO DONATE MOST OF HIS FORTUNE TO WORTHY CAUSES

Send that: C/O The Weekly Planet, 810 N. Howard Ave. ...

U.S. AND NORTH KOREA CONTINUE LONG-RANGE MISSILE DRAMA

Asian dictator with long-range missile seeks superpower, age 250-300, for long standoffs on the beach and mushroom-cloud sunsets ...

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