Jared Cano, expelled Freedom High student and acknowledged pothead, is arrested and charged with plotting to blow up his old school. Jared, consider your mellow officially harshed.
The stock market is up! It's down! It's up again! But fret not, America. As your 401(k) dwindles, the big banks continue to rake in record profits. Enjoy those new checking fees!
A 5.9 magnitude earthquake rattles the East Coast, causing little damage but a lot of noise — on Twitter. After-shocks expected due to reverberations from massive chuckling in California.
Libyan rebels hoist their flag over deposed dictator Muammar Gaddafi's Tripoli compound and declare victory. Gaddafi tweets, "On vacation. House-sitters, help yourself to whatever's in the arsenal."
Hurricane Irene jogs a bit east, removing Florida from the danger-packed "cone of uncertainty." Gov. Scott claims responsibility, says his policies inspired Irene to seek work elsewhere.