Jaded advice on what your husband really wants for Valentine's: a threesome, a mancation...

your slutty friend: You know how you always grumble about how your husband wouldn't be too tired for sex if it was with your slutty friend. This is true. If you think your man has the hots for your slutty friend, two things are potentially in play. One: your man has the hots for your slutty friend. Two: you have the hots for your slutty friend. Surprise your guy by inviting your slutty friend over for V-day drinks, a little spin the bottle, then maybe some strip poker. Being the gentleman that he is, you'll have to make the first move. After you've popped off the first orgasm, invite your man into the mix.


-A mancation to Vegas: Sometimes you're just not in the mood to have sex with your husband for years at a time. Send him to Vegas where he can have casual sex with "single" women celebrating bachelorette parties. Having random sex does for men what going to a spa does for women: it refreshes and rejuvenates them. It makes them happier, more optimistic, more relaxed, more confident, and generally a pleasure to be around. So, if you don't find your man sexually desirable anymore but you want him to stick around, send him away for a weekend. There's a good chance he'll just blow his allowance at a strip club and realize how hard it is to meet women who want to sleep with him. If he returns with a guilty conscious or feeling like a failed Lothario, he'll come back loving you even more.


-Plastic surgery for you: Yes we are that superficial. The sooner you realize this, the quicker you'll learn to manipulate us, and the more time/money/frustration you'll save trying to do nice things for us that we only pretend to appreciate. Just as your husband can't be honest about what he wants for Valentine's, he also can't tell you that a huge reason he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore is because you've beefed up. If you really want to impress your man, lose a lot of weight. This isn't easy. Some women just don't get results no matter how much they talk about working out. Liposuction will help you slim up fast and get you to a weight that may motivate you to stay thin. Sexual excitement is largely about novelty. Plastic surgery creates the illusion of a newish sexual partner. Think of it like lingerie that doesn't come off. Maybe you are thin or have great tits or your man genuinely likes your small chest, but what about your excess of chins? You could probably spare one or two of those. Not only will your new look spark his interest, it will also make him jealous and on guard against his guy friends who suddenly see you in a new light. If he doesn't appreciate the work you've done to be a new woman, someone else will.


-Watch his favorite porn with him: This is an easy one that takes minimal investment. Since you already spend hours uncovering what your husband is doing online, put that energy toward something positive. Type in random letters on Google and see what previous searches pop up. Check his internet history and see what porn sites he favors. You may discover that he's into English MILFs or that he loves Joanna Angel (as shown above). Buy him a DVD featuring his passion then tell him you have a romantic night planned. Imagine his surprise when he comes home to pizza and porn. You may even try providing commentary on the film, saying whatever is appropriate like,  "You like watching that trany get plowed, don't you," while giving him a handski. If he has a favorite porn star, buy a monthly membership to her website and watch one of her live cam-shows together. These performers show more attention to pairs and the monthly cost is much cheaper than you would expect. Remember that the couple who watches porn together stays together.


-A steak dinner at a gentleman's club: Nothing gets your man more sexually aroused than being with a sexual freak. Having been domestic for so long, it's easy for him to forget that you used to win jello wrestling contests and that out of all the guys you molested in the foam pit the night you met, he was the one you showered off with. Reinvigorate your sexual freak. Tell him you have a romantic dinner planned. Get him dressed up then take him to a classy strip club like Penthouse. While he's gnawing on a bloody steak, stroke him under the table. For desert, go sit at the main stage and comment on how hot the various dancers are. Ask him which one he likes. Call the girl over and ask her to give you a lap-dance. Get a little frisky with the dancer, as women are pretty much allowed to do whatever they want to strippers. While he's still recovering, tell him you have to leave before you take one of these girls home.


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and email him if interested in writing about Sex and Love.

While single women apparently need survival guides for Valentine's, single men use the day to celebrate their freedom by hunting the wounded and love-starved women nursing their loneliness at the local watering hole. For men in long term relationships, Valentine's is a day of obligation. While there are plenty of standard gifts for women—-flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, candlelight dinners—-there are no such gifts for men. This is because the V-Day vision of romance marketed to us appeals entirely to female sensibilities; there's no analogous holiday that celebrates the filthy things that turn men on.

If you're frustrated because of your man's lack of romance, ask yourself what you've done to appeal to his "sensitive" side, by which I mean his divining rod. What follows are gift ideas your husband would actually list if he followed the advice of "relationship gurus" and was completely honest with you about his needs. The list is not as much for new couples whose brains are so cranked up on dopamine and oxytocin that they're about as rational as functional coke-heads. It's for those couples in the trenches, the ones who have survived five or more years together through kids, mortgages, unemployment, in-laws, and near divorces. Yes this list is chauvinistic, but Valentine's is a gross feminization of relationship ideals. By definition, men see the world through the skewed perceptions of male desires, which are often irrational, politically incorrect, and in opposition with what we write on your Valentine's Day cards.

-A threesome with

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