BEST PLACE TO WRITE
Ballast Point Park
"The three essentials are a bottle of Chianti, my laptop and Ballast Point." Jerry often bums a ride to the South Tampa park from a co-worker after last call, and spends the remainder of the night fixated on his portable computer's display. Afterward, he'll hoof it home. "It's beautiful, it's very quiet, and depending on how long I stay, I can see the sunrise," he says. "Wednesday morning, Saturday morning, it's good times." While quite a few folks equate Ballast Point's after-midnight environment with bums, cars blasting bad hip-hop, scary kids drinking or getting high, and a disconcerting number of pit bulls, Nixon's never had a problem. In fact, he says he's never even aware of what goes on in the park around him. "I don't even see 'em, probably because I'm either trashed or in writing mode, with techno blaring out of my laptop."
Ballast Point Park, 5300 Interbay Blvd., Tampa.
BEST PLACE TO SHOPLIFT SUBJECT MATTER
Blackhawk Coffee Café
"A lot of the professors and students from Tampa Prep and UT hang out there, and we talk about politics a lot," Jerry says. "They're brilliant." Anyone with the double-edged fortune of ending up on Nixon's mailing list (and the natural curiosity to peruse whatever he writes) knows the man is capable of some sharp political and cultural commentary. The guy's grammatical skills may need some work, but there's nothing wrong with the ideas and wit behind the sardonic, often hilarious missives for which he's known. "It's because of those people and those ideas being around me. The newspapers that I read, I read 'em there," he says. "It definitely brings it up a notch. But it's weird because I steal a lot of [material] from them, too."
Blackhawk Coffee Café, Old Hyde Park Village, 1628 W. Snow Circle, Tampa, 813-258-1600.
BEST TRANSPORTATION METHOD
Doc Martens (Size 7)
"I'm actually not wearing them now. I'm wearing my yoga shoes, which are comfortable, too. That's it, yoga shoes or Doc Martens." Jerry gets around like no other carless, bikeless, skateboardless scene-guy out there. On any weekend night, you might see him hanging out at Ybor's New World Brewery while you're grabbing a Happy Hour lager, only to run into him again later at Hyde Park Café, where he works as a bar-back. A few hours later, you'll bump into him as the lights come on at The Hub, or showing up fashionably late to a Palma Ceia after-hours apartment party. Granted, we're not talking about an area the size of the Mojave Desert or anything, but when was the last time you humped your feet, oh, let's say 6 miles over the course of an evening? "I live in South Tampa. Everything's near my house," says Jerry with a shrug. "Unlike Nancy Alexander, I'll never get a D.U.I.
"Wait, I can't say that; I like Nancy."
You want me to cut it?
"All right, I'll be mean once. You can keep that one."
So why don't you ever take the bus?
"I hate people. Be in that little space with them? Not having a gun?"
BEST COMEDY CD
John Leguizamo,
John Leguizamo Live
"It just connects. He's a short guy, he's got a lot of energy. And, I saw the set live at Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center."
BEST PLACE TO GET MY TIGHT AND CURLIES TAPERED
Studio 510
Adam "Jagermeister" Lambert (Nixon's nickname, not ours), with whom Jerry works at night, trims him up every couple of weeks. "He does a good job," says Jerry succinctly. Isn't getting your coif updated every two weeks in a Hyde Park salon a bit pricey? "I don't know. It's around $15. Is that expensive?"
Studio 510, 510 Howard Ave. S., Tampa, 813-254-7955.
BEST ROOM IN TAMPA
Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center's Carol Morsani Hall
"I saw John Leguizamo there, Jon Stewart, Sandra Bernhardt. That's the best room to see one of those shows. And one day, I will be playing there. That's the dream."
TBPAC, 1010 N. MacInnes Place, Tampa, 813-229-7827.
BEST PLACE TO MAKE FUN OF SOUTH TAMPA LAWYERS
Blue Martini
When do you go to the blue martini?
"I don't. There's no reason for me to be there."
Then how do you know it's the best place to make fun of South Tampa lawyers?
"Well … I went a couple of times, with some friends from work."
Blue Martini, International Plaza, 2223 N. West Shore Blvd., Tampa, 813-873-2583.
BEST PERSON TO CALL
AFTER A BENDER
"Future Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer" Tess Jaimeson
"She's my best friend; we think alike. She lives in South Tampa, and she's the only person that'll tell me the truth about myself. We're both in our mid-30s, so we don't talk about age. We're still a little bit rock 'n' roll. I cried on her couch for four days about [young woman's name withheld for the sake of Mister Nixon's physical well-being]."
BEST PERSONAL WINDMILL
AT WHICH TO TILT
Pursuing an interview with comedian Bill Maher
"The guy's a jerk. There's no chance that he'll talk to me, and as far as I'm concerned, there's no way in the world he'd even consider being nice to me. He wouldn't. That's why I like the guy so much. He'd answer the questions like I would, and be completely disgusted by the act of being in the room to answer them. He's a good time."
BEST PERSON TO INSULT
MJ Kelli of WFLZ-93.3's
M.J. Morning Show
"Not because I dislike him," says Jerry. "Because it's easy."
It seems MJ was particularly rude to Nixon one day when Jerry was asking him about a job. Names, games and parody songs followed. And when a friend mentioned that he thought the radio-show host bore a striking resemblance to old-school cartoon non-favorite Magilla Gorilla, Nixon picked up the comparison and ran with it.
But does he really think MJ looks like a monkey?
"Oh my God, one day I saw a billboard of his chest and his face and, oh my God, dude, I almost dropped my bottle of wine when I saw it," Jerry says. "It's like watching Gorillas in the Mist."
BEST PLACE TO FEEL
SORRY FOR YOURSELF
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Bayshore Boulevard
When his love life or anything else gets him down, Jerry is given to closing down a Hyde Park bar ("Any of them on South Howard — no names, they don't need the publicity.") and taking a contemplative stroll down the World's Longest Uninterrupted Sidewalk to his South Tampa home. "It's picturesque, I'm alone and it's on the way. It's pretty. I would come to my house and drink, listen to Fiona Apple and feel sorry for myself. It sounds kind of bad, though. Is there any way you can make this one funny instead of sad?"
Not really.
"Let's not do it then."
This article appears in Sep 25 – Oct 1, 2003.