In the wake of Tiger Woods’ epic sex scandal involving nearly a dozen extramarital affairs, mistresses of high profile public figures everywhere have begun to come forth with revelations of their flings. Karl Rove, Republican political strategist and Senior Advisor to former President George W. Bush, is just the latest among those to be exposed.
The findings first came in a devastating Washington Post op-ed, citing an anonymous source which the paper has consistently refused to divulge. The list of the alleged “other women” this young stud of the G.O.P. has bedded reads like a “who’s who” of young Asian hotties: Mei Zhongyu, Lucy Liu, Fong Ying, Ming Lee, Lee Hsien Loong, Kelly Hu — the list of women being linked to Rove continues to grow at an almost hourly rate. While Tiger seems to exclusively prefer the company of Caucasian Barbie-types, Karl “Rove You Long Time” has an acute case of the Asian flu.
Although Americans of either gender are often more likely to find deeply tanned people attractive, the opposite holds true in many Asian countries, where China doll white is a look to strive for, and skin-lightening products fly off supermarket shelves. And few are whiter than the Pillsbury-esque Rove, a doughy lard-lump of a man whose vampire-like whiteness threatens to sear the very retinas of those who look directly at him, in a manner very similar to that of a solar eclipse.
Experts have speculated that Rove’s baldness, pouch of neck fat and his near-total lack of any sort of muscle tone have, conversely, only fueled his sexual desirability. “He doesn’t even have to make an effort to stay in shape,” claimed VH1’s Mystery, TV pickup artist and renowned ass-clown. “That’s real confidence, and chicks love that shit. Face it, that man resembles a bag of lard wearing glasses and a tie — and he’s still pullin’ mad wool.”
“Karl knows what he’s doing between the sheets,” added Mei Zhongyu, or ‘Number 7,’ as she has come to be known as the list of Rove’s sexual conquests continues to grow. “Of course he does have to pop several 500 mg Viagras in order to perform,” Zhongyu quickly added, “otherwise his flaccid manhood resembles a ping-in-a-blanket that’s been in the microwave too long and got all droopy. But after that, he’s golden. And when you have someone with that kind of sexy political savvy and cunning, who cares what he looks like.”
While Tiger Woods and Karl Rove don’t appear to have much in common on the surface, what they do share is an insatiable desire for smoking hot tail at the expense of their careers and families. While Woods was recently dropped as a spokesman for Gatorade and left by his wife, Rove’s lucrative deals with Metamucil and Lipitor have been canceled, and his wife is in talks with Simon and Schuster for a book deal which will detail Rove’s unstoppable appetite for poontang.
While most have been quick to condemn Rove’s conduct, radio personality and human weather balloon Rush Limbaugh leapt to his defense on the airwaves. “They’re demonizing this guy, and for what? Nailing a few dozen Asian hotties on the side. If anything, we should be talking about Tiger Woods and his infidelities more. That guy was a role model for kids, the way he whacked that ball around with a stick. I’d just like to get my hands on this so-called ‘source’ that squealed to the Post.”
As of press time, Valerie Plame was unavailable for comment.
