I’ve been unapologetically a dyke my whole life. Short hair and masculine presenting since childhood. Recently the internalized homophobia been going crazy. My whole life I feel like dykes/butches have been the butt of the joke. Especially big masculine women. Like Boo from “Orange Is the New Black.” That’s like the number one thing everyone deems ugly and the worst version of a dyke to be. Why! It’s created crazy internalized homophobia within me. When I look in the mirror I don’t feel like the sexy dyke I used to. I be feeling like a freak. I try not to let the internet or bigots get in my head but it’s hard. How can I reclaim my identity and be confident in my dyke-ness like I used to be?—Sincerely, Browbeaten Butch
Dear Browbeaten,
Butches are, and have always been, sexy. Ask anyone at Dyke Nite how they think of butches, and they’ll say: “Constantly.” In short, my advice for you is to spend less time seeing what the internet and mainstream media thinks of you, and to spend more time reading queer history and having gay sex. But don’t stop reading this column just yet.
When I first watched “Orange Is the New Black,” I was struck by Big Boo, the big bad butch with a major soft side, and her innate sex appeal to the other women in the prison. Watching the scene where she danced her ass off affirmed that I can be attractive BECAUSE OF my fatness and masculinity, not just in spite of it.
Boo was portrayed by butch legend Lea DeLaria, an iconic dyke who was the first out lesbian comic to perform on TV and came up with the famous “U-Haul lesbian” joke. DeLaria has spoken at length about butchness and all the associated stereotypes. I combed through some of her interviews and comedy routines in search of some advice that she could impart.
This is where I need to apologize to you, Browbeaten Butch. I am sure you didn’t mean for it to go this far, but I can only pull so much wisdom from media blog quotes. Rather than summarize what I think DeLaria would say to you, I reached out to her directly. Much to my surprise, she responded. Here’s what Big Boo herself had to say about your dilemma:
You might wanna tell this self-hating dyke to watch OITNB again. Boo is:
- The smartest person in that prison.
- She says it herself: “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” She presents as scary because that’s what one has to do to survive in prison. But it is clear that she has a big heart and only wants what is best for her friends and those she loves.
- Sexy AF. Her nickname, Big Boo, comes from the fact that she is “everyone’s Boo.” The prison Lothario.
Boo is all of these things. I’m guessing BBB has an issue with fat. They therefore miss the point. In short, Browbeaten Butch is beating their own brow. Maybe they should read up on their own history, that of the queer movement in the latter part of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st, before coming at the people who made that history happen. Self-loathing queers only hold us back. 
DeLaria’s tough love here is spot-on. After decades as a butch trailblazer, she seems to rightfully be tired of seeing internalized homophobia take over butches’ self-images. Remember the butches that walked so you could run!
Without getting too deep into the convoluted world of overspecified queer identity labels, butch was generally popularized through the early lesbian bar scene’s butch-femme dynamic. Lesbian historian Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy’s 1993 book, “Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community,” reads: “The core group that built the lesbian bar community of the 1940s were the severely masculine yet gentle butches who were willing to be identified as different, as ‘homos.’ The Black and white tough lesbians continued this tradition in the 1950s, pushing to be identified as lesbians, or ‘queers,’ 24 hours a day.”
Butches presented as masculine not only to denote their role in a relationship, but also to intentionally make their queerness visible. Generally speaking, before dating apps, the best way for lesbians to find each other was for one member of the duo to present as visibly queer. This involved receiving more harassment from homophobes, so the party willing to shoulder that burden was seen as tough and chivalrous. Embodying masculinity gave these dykes the opportunity to display these traits while marking them as visibly queer. Thus, the butch and all of its ensuing roles were born. Lesbians of all forms thirsted after the strong figure of the butch.
While roles have changed somewhat, and were never truly rigid to begin with, much remains true: Butches still face harassment and are often the butt of the joke on TV (femmes and other dykes have their own troubles, but that’s for another month’s Ask a Dyke). This is especially true of butches that embody the classic bull dyke look, characterized by tight haircuts and an overtly masculine appearance—and often being both fat and muscular. If you are willing to face daily life as a butch, you are already projecting some degree of inner confidence and acceptance of the self, which are universally attractive traits.
Do as DeLaria suggested: read up more on your history. If you haven’t read “Stone Butch Blues,” it’s a great starting point that can help deepen your understanding of the context behind the butch identity. Kennedy’s aforementioned book is also a great resource from an academic point of view. Alison Bechdel’s comic series, “Dykes to Watch Out For,” shows nuanced images of daily life in the lesbian community. Even watching DeLaria’s comedy sets can make you feel more seen. These classics are a starting point to dip your toes in.
However, you can’t JUST read. You probably won’t find all the positive representation you’re looking for in books, TV or movies (though there is some). The tonic for mainstream media and its opinions is, as always, meeting real people. You can’t connect with your body and your identity if you’re not actively experiencing the world in physical spaces where the two come into play. Meet other butches, including older ones. Meet femmes and other dykes. Have sex that makes you feel hot, because butches are sexy and they always have been. Hetero society might try to sell you one idea of what it means to be attractive, but when it comes to the people who really matter (dykes), you’ll be drooled over.
Yours in love,
Jane Dyke (feat. Lea DeLaria)
Got a burning question? Ask a Dyke at sapphicsunfl.com/ask.
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This article appears in Sept. 25 – Oct. 1, 2025.