Let's ban children instead

Personally, I think it's fantastic that we're finally putting a stop to all those bad choices. Freedom and liberty to choose how to live our own life is a fundamental right - as long as the choice you're making is one that the majority of society agrees with. We must protect our children, at any cost.

My complaint with the situation is that it doesn't really address the root of the problem. Sure, happy meals and clown mascots are a good start, but even absent these reprehensible detriments to a healthy lifestyle, there is still a possibility for children to make unhealthy choices.

I think the solution is clear - we need to ban children.

Think about it. If there are no children, then we can't have unhealthy children. We can't have childhood obesity if we outlaw the possibility of childhood. This also addresses several other key issues - underage drinking, pornography, obscenity, child abuse - the list goes on!

Banning children would also instantly fix the education system. Poor performance in schools will be a thing of the past, because there won't be any children to perform poorly! There is also immense cost savings as well; between federal, state, and local expenditures, the U.S. spends nearly $430 billion annually on education. Imagine how many social programs we can fund with the savings!

There are other considerations, as well: Now that the government is calling the shots on healthcare, it's important that we embrace a healthy lifestyle. Without having to worry about the health of children (since children would not exist), we could focus all of our efforts on providing free healthcare to everyone else! Imagine the environmental impact on a child-free world: the carbon footprint of families would be greatly reduced, and our energy needs would sharply decline. My estimates show that if we banned children today, our average carbon output would drop 100% over the next century!

The benefits are clear and obvious. After all, the best way to protect children is to never have them. I know many people, especially parents, would be skeptical of such a measure. And that's completely understandable. I'd of course be willing to compromise - perhaps a less radical approach would be to simply ban happiness.

It's time the government took the initiative to shield society from all undesirable things. Who's with me?

Tom Bortnyk is a columnist for the political blog Informed-Dissent.

Recently, Santa Clara County in California decided to pass a new statute outlawing toys from fast food meals. McDonald's "Happy Meals" and their fast food counterparts encourage children to eat unhealthy food, they say. This is just one step in the fight against childhood obesity.

On the other side of the country, a Boston group called Corporate Accountability International, the same group that put Joe Camel into exile, is fighting to ban Ronald McDonald from advertising. A kid-friendly character tempts young children into consuming all that greasy food.

In New York, an effort is underway by State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz to ban salt from restaurants. "It's time for us to take a giant step," said Ortiz. "We need to talk about two ingredients of salt: health care costs and deaths." The salt-ban is a logical follow-up to the ban on trans-fats, which many states have already put into place. Or, for that matter, smoking in private establishments.

Scroll to read more News Feature articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.