Life as we blow it: 2015 — Year of the Bro

You know what I wanna see less of in 2015?


Feminism — ugh! So many chicks thinking and talking, not wearing bikinis and, you know, demanding stuff. What the fuck, right? That’s pretty much exactly the opposite of what the girls on do, and that’s not even porn, it’s just where I order my fedoras. I don’t get it. We tell ’em they’re pretty (although some of ’em might be prettier if they smiled more), we offer to buy ’em drinks. What more do they want? I mean, I wish my life was that simple, you know? It would be great if all I had to worry about was what I was going to wear and if I was going to have to pay for my own bevvies.

Look, I’ve got a sister. And maybe I don’t know the proper dictionary definition of the word “feminist.” But it sounds a hell of a lot more, uh, feminine than masculine, and that scares me — why would all these angry babes be wanting to take away my right to be masculine? It doesn’t even make sense, really.

So let’s nip (heh) this in the bud. We guys can’t let feminism get a stronger foothold in the new year than it’s already gained. And how do we combat it? Just by manning up, duding out and doing what we do. Only harder. Here’s some hot new guy stuff for 2015. And every time you take part, you strike a blow for MANkind.

CRAFT BROWERIES Why don’t you see more beer pong at craft breweries? Because people are pussies, that’s why. No cider. No house wine for your girlfriend who doesn’t like the taste of beer. But no porters or super-heavy stuff, either — just lots and lots of IPAs, so you can still get to the gym and crush those delts.

NINTENBRO Games for guys, playa. No chicks allowed in online multiplayer mode; you gotta smack the controller against your junk just to log into the thing.

THE BRONUT It’s been around since 2013, but after the light-and-flaky cronut — which, let’s face it, might as well come with a purse — it’s definitley time to up the ante. Bratwurst bronut with sweet beer-pickled slaw? Let’s see Geekgirl McGamerina take
that on.

BROLESQUE It’s basically girls in wet wifebeaters and trucker caps playing drinking games and Truth or Dare while Rage Against The Machine plays in the background.

BROTISSERIE CHICKEN These breasts, thighs and legs don’t talk back when you tell ’em how delicious they look, y’all.

BROTEL RESORTS Imagine a huge, (slightly) classier version of Hooters where you’re allowed to sleep it off. Go for the Turn Down (For What) Service — that’s where a WWE Diva carries you to your room after you pass out.

BRO-OPERATIVE FARMERS’ MARKETS Hey, you didn’t get cut like a motherfuckin’ diamond by eating McDonald’s, amirite? Stay sharp and healthy in manly style, without having to listen to some whiny yoga class next door. Plus, those farmers always have the killer weed hookup, just sayin’. 

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