McCain suspends campaign!

My friends, tomorrow morning I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington. I'll do this so that I can continue to campaign on this announcement tonight. After providing myself bi-partisan cover by speaking at the Clinton Global Initiative in the morning, I'll head back to Washington and attempt to give away what remains of the US economy to those who have proved so able at destroying it. I have spoken to Senator Obama and informed him of my campaign's tactic to stem the tide of negative news about me and my empty-dress running mate, and I have asked him to join me in ceasing campaigning so that I might get my feet back under me and stabilize my poll numbers ...


We must meet as Americans, not as Democrats or Republicans, and we must meet until this crisis is resolved. After all, sitting in a room with my crony pals in D.C. is a much better solution to my campaign's the country's problems than going directly to the American people and telling them what I would do if inagurated in a few months. I am directing my campaign to pretend to work with the Obama campaign and the commission on presidential debates to delay Friday night's debate until I have better prepared myself for real questioning about the many lies and distortions my campaign has put forward.


I am confident that before the markets open on Monday we can sell the rest of the American economy for pennies on the dollar to those represented by my lobbyist campaign staff. We will also pass Trojan horse legislation aimed at giving the appearance of stabilizing our financial markets, protecting taxpayers and homeowners, all to earn the confidence of the American people. Then we loot the rubes even more once I'm the Prez!


Through it all, we must appear to have set politics aside, thereby allowing us to label as heretics anyone who correctly points out how this entire scheme is an attempt to use the current financial instability for political gain. Thank you, and God bless you morons, the people of the United States of America.


You have to hand it to those Rove people McCain brought on board over the summer: They know how to play politics with anything. Now, will Obama call this pig a pig, or will he buy this and lose his momentum?


Stay tuned...


Photo credit: Iowapolitics.com via flickr.

News breaking all over the Internet right now is that Sen. John McCain has suspended his campaign for the rest of the week! (Check out Wayne Garcia's take on the PoHo blog.) McCain is also trying to get Sen. Barack Obama to agree to postpone Friday's first scheduled presidential debate. Here are McCain's comments, from MSNBC's First Read:

Tomorrow morning, I will suspend my campaign and return to Washington after speaking at the Clinton Global Initiative. I have spoken to Senator Obama and informed him of my decision and have asked him to join me. ...

We must meet as Americans, not as Democrats or Republicans, and we must meet until this crisis is resolved. I am directing my campaign to work with the Obama campaign and the commission on presidential debates to delay Friday night's debate until we have taken action to address this crisis.

I am confident that before the markets open on Monday we can achieve consensus on legislation that will stabilize our financial markets, protect taxpayers and homeowners, and earn the confidence of the American people. All we must do to achieve this is temporarily set politics aside, and I am committed to doing so.

Uh huh. Here is the alternate-reality announcement:

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