Mommy, What's a Hoohaa?

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A theater/club in the Jacksonville suburb of Atlantic Beach is staging some shows, including The Vagina Monologues, but when that title went up on the marquee, the owner heard from one or more parents who didn't think they were ready to field inquiries from their little urchins about what "vagina" means. The marquee was changed to The Hoohaa Monologues. That lasted about a day, until (a) the play's licensee pointed to the contract requiring no substitutions and (b) CNN and other news outfits sprayed the story all over the country. [WJXT-TV (Jacksonville) (before)] [WJXT-TV (after)]

Potential Hoax Alert in Cape Coral

A family swears that a guy (sketch provided) has been stalking them brazenly for a few weeks, even entering their home surreptitiously and writing out a cryptic message on their toilet lid. They're about to move out for a while until he's caught, which they hope will be before "3-3-7," which they interpret to be March 3. On the other hand, despite police investigations, not a single piece of physical evidence of a stranger has turned up. Stay tuned. [WBBH-TV (Fort Myers)]

"Our Family Is Alcoholics, and We Can't Drink Without Getting in Trouble"

That would be Steven Mammon of Cape Coral talking, defending his brother Marshall, 21, who knocked back a few and headed home, winding up naked in his Ford Taurus, bouncing off car after car (24, at last count, plus two patrol cars), and requiring the services of a Taser. [Fort Myers News-Press]

The Diligent 13-Year-Old Drug Dealer

The St. Petersburg Times transcribes notes [errors and all] found in a schoolkid's wallet in New Port Richey (also found: a tiny bit of cocaine, plus seven Lexapro tablets and a Risperdal): "lay low for a while. Don't bring shit to school cant get Busted or Dead. If I sell, sell out my house. And Don't Bring or sell to Anyone I Don't Kno." And so on. [St. Petersburg Times]

Dixie County and the U.S. Constitution: What, Me Worry?

A private donor funded a handsome five-foot granite slab, on which are lettered the 10 Commandments, and which sits at the entrance of the Dixie County courthouse in Cross City. According to the most recent painstaking analysis by the U.S. Supreme Court, this slab would be unconstitutional and in fact is probably the worst-case scenario of an object created specifically in order to entangle gov't with religion. (Commemorative historical monuments that have religious themes are probably OK.) The ACLU finally found a county resident willing to act as plaintiff and filed a lawsuit Wednesday, and the reporters who wander around Dixie gauging reactions to the controversy seem to come to the same conclusion, i.e., Dixie County could not care less what the Supreme Court thinks. [St. Petersburg Times (background story)]

Follow-Up

Speaking of the U.S. Constitution, the Orange County judge, Rom Powell, yesterday declined to remove his restraining order against WKMG-TV over those 80-some lawfully-acquired boxes of personal and professional papers of political consultant Doug Guetzloe, so it's up now to the appeals court in Daytona Beach. Yr Editor is guessing that Judge Powell doesn't want to give a blank check to the station to be sloppy with the records because some (most?) involve purely personal information. The station vows that it's only interested in Guetzloe's political work, but with irrelevant family secrets and Social Security numbers, etc., mistakes might happen. [WKMG-TV Orlando]

Your Daily Loser

John Peffer, a former funeral home employee in Big Pine, had calls to the home forwarded to his cell phone and arranged four funerals by himself before the world came down on him, and he fled to Ohio, where he was arrested and now awaits return to Key West. Features of Peffer's jury-rigged services for the grieving families: Peffer's girlfriend playing "pastor" at a graveside service; body transport by SUV (the hearse, uh, broke down); no local cremation (crematorium, uh, broke down); no makeup (mother's face still bruised); funeral at a church because the funeral home was, uh, tied up. [Miami Herald]

Who in Florida Doesn't Have Child Porn?

Well, Goofy does, allegedly. 20-year-old Matthew Wendland, who plays him, and also Beast (as in Beauty and the), at Disney World was arrested on 51 counts. [WKMG-TV (Orlando)]

More Things To Worry About Today

Jackie Brown, vowing to fight for small businesses if elected Jacksonville mayor, was rudely confronted by a customer of her construction firm after allegedly ignoring the lady for seven months while sitting on her down payment [WJXT-TV (Jacksonville)] . . . . . Scrap metal thieves came for our siding, and we did nothing; came for our electrical wiring, and we did nothing; but now they've come for the metal in our beer kegs! [Naples Daily News] . . . . . Another Florida Lawn Mower Gone Bad: In Coral Springs, a 56-yr-old man had his flip into a canal and trap him underneath, and he's in critical condition [South Florida Sun-Sentinel] . . . . . Hollywood city commissioner Keith Wasserstrom, already suspended while facing five felony bribery counts for helping sewage contractor Schwing Bioset, got the news that the state is opening two more criminal investigations [South Florida Sun-Sentinel] . . . . . Armstead Hudnell, 45, was finally booted out of the complimentary breakfast bar at the Holiday Inn Express in Dunedin, at which he had dined three times in 10 days without benefit of being a guest [Tampa Tribune].

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