Monikers R Us

So Hillsborough Judge Elvin Martinez has signed an order declaring the lap dance ordinance unconstitutional and impractical! Great — if you land in his courtroom. Other judges, as well as the cops, are still holding true to the law, which says that you have to be more than 6 feet away from a nude dancer. (Nude bicyclists, spacklers and prostitutes are not off-limits, however.)

According to the St. Pete Times, cases are assigned to Martinez's court by last name; those beginning with the letters C, I, K, R and T go to him.

What this means is that, while appeals are being appealed and the lawmakers are trying to straighten things out among themselves, probably at the Mons, you need to think of a good pseudonym. We suspect that once cops hear your new name, they won't even bother arresting you.

Hey, we're like Publix. Service is our pleasure. No tipping required.

Here are our suggestions for your new love handle:

Guido Calzone — From an indie film my friends and I once made. You have our permission.

Frasier Crane — Or use his brother's name, Niles.

Ichabod Crane — "Headless Horseman" takes on a whole new meaning with a naked stripper on your lap.

Buddy Christ — "He's happy; he's scrappy; he's the son of God!"

Jesus H. Christ — Oh man. Be prepared to get intimate with a billyclub if you use this one.

Cooper Cruz — begins with two C's; that'll really keep you covered.

Michael Knight — David Hasselhoff is back!

Henry Kissinger — War crimes, sex crimes, what's the difference?

Joe Redner — Just kidding, officer, just kidding.

Ricker — Just talk like a stoned, cool-guy radio DJ and you're all set.

Tony Ridder — The scourge of the newspaper industry, the Knight Ridder CEO deserves it for all the layoffs he's induced.

Andrew Reynolds — Skaters often give cops false names like "Tony Hawk" or "Tony Alva" to get laughs from their friends. Be in on the joke by using pro skateboarder Andrew Reynolds' name.

Hunter S. Thompson — Although there may be some warrants out for him.

—Dave Jasper Ignominious

Scroll to read more News Feature articles


Join Creative Loafing Tampa Bay Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.