cause others to turn away in awe as if blinded by the face of God. This is why it's so important to dub your Jaw Breaker with a glorious name; you can't show your Pink Floyd to everyone you meet so you must invent names that properly relate the grandeur of your Don Juan in pleasant conversation. To aid you on your quest, renowned Moby Dick scholars, David Rosenthal and Saryn Chorney, have compiled over 350 names in The Penis Name Book: A Guide to Naming Your Best Friend for every stage of your Maverick's development and training. While you may not want to pick a name for your Leviathan out of a book, these pages will help you to start thinking creatively about names, as well as open your eyes to the fact that any phrase or title, given the right context, can refer to your Gravy Train.
The hard and fast rule for naming your Mr. Goodbar is that the name must speak to his tremendous physical attributes and or his conquering personality. Is he an unstoppable and unthinking force like Conan, who plows through any opposition without a cloak of armor, or does he use his wits to sneak his way behind enemy gates while hidden inside a Trojan horse like Odysseus? Is he a wise regal figure with a long gray beard like Moses who doesn't mind parting the Red Sea?
Until your Jackson Pollock reaches this final stage of excellence, your Waldo will be known by many names. For example, he may spend several years referred to as Jonas after being trapped for several days inside a whale, or as Captain Ahab for angrily pursing an elusive white whale only to find the seed of his destruction planted in the behemoth after harpooning her.
Women may even find this book useful, as they are always in need of derogatory names with which to gossip about the shortcomings of exes. For this reason, names like "Mini Cooper," "Sasquatch," or "Titanic" are often used by women to illustrate the darker sides of White Dwarfs, like their efficient yet unsatisfying design, their unnecessary and unkempt mane, or their imperial size which causes them to sink easily.
While some women may see this book as a good novelty gift to present to a casual lover on Valentine's Day, The Penis Name Book is more appropriate for an expecting father during a baby shower. Fathers-to-be are often treated little more than friendly sperm delivery men during baby showers and must fake excitement over designer diaper bags or baby bjorn carriers. Men need something that reminds them that their future son will transform from a screaming shit machine into the next torch barrier of the proud family name. And while the father may have no say on his son's first name, it is his right to decide what apprentice name to dub his son's Willy Wonka, a name that will surely decide the trajectory of his son's Bilbo Baggins for the rest of his life. Expecting mothers may not at first understand the necessity of this ritual, but like it or not both parents will need a name with which to teach their son proper Katana handling techniques and etiquette. Like it or not, at some point every parent will have to say, "We don't reveal the secret identity of Mr. Fantastic to company now do we?" or, "Give Donkey Kong Jr. a few hard shakes afterward," and most importantly, "You boys stop sword fighting with your light sabers in the house?"
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