Admit it, it's way easier — and more fun — to tell other people what they should be doing than to take a long, hard look within and resolve to be a better person. That's why we've come up with resolutions for others this year. That's not to say we're completely without conscience. We figure if we're gonna dish it out, we'd better be able to take it. In that spirit, Weekly Planet writers have also come up with resolutions for each other. We're sure readers will send us even more after they read ours.
USF Board of TrusteesDrop the pretense and rename the school University Inc. Post armed security guards outside of important board meetings to keep dissenters out instead of holding them on a satellite campus in the middle of a cow pasture while everyone is on break. Green PartySever all ties with Ralph Nader. Storm the Democratic National Convention and refuse to leave until delegates select a presidential nominee who actually represents the interests of the left. Continue taking over every school board in the country.
Noelle BushStop writing fake prescriptions for Xanax. Fake a back injury and get a legitimate prescription for Vicodin like everybody else. Sue Columba and Jeb for breach of parental contract. Cite their failure to show support (or just show up) at politically embarrassing court hearings.
Ye Mystic KreweStart new exclusive club and parade honoring corporate raiders and larcenous auditors. Hire Italian designers to make three-piece-suit costumes so expensive that no neo-nouveau riche can imitate. Instead of beads, throw gift certificates for Diaco-enlarged breasts to the crowd.
Jerry Nixon, prolific e-mailerDrive the Weekly Planet editorial staff insane, one person at a time, once and for all.
Axl Rose, singer for Guns N' RosesFinish a tour. Any tour.Jeb Bush, Florida governorConcoct devious plan to actually improve the state's education system and help deserving low-income students attend college.
Kelly 'Kombat" Benjamin, activist, Tampa City Council candidateBroadcast all Tampa City Council meetings over a new AM pirate radio station, "112.5 The Gov."
Democratic PartyPress forcefully for universal health insurance, more educational opportunity and prescription drug benefits for the elderly, among other issues with widespread appeal across the political spectrum. Then, sit back and enjoy the sight of an electorate that once again can tell the difference between Democrats and Republicans.
Ray Zacek, cranky letter writerHug a bunny. Watch It's a Wonderful Life. Find something, anything, good about the world — just one tiny thing.Other Gasparilla CrewsDrop out of Gasparilla, burn pirate costumes, and start own party celebrating something more inclusive and less rapacious than pirates.Johnnie Byrd, Florida House speaker Continue to dedicate himself to boosting state funding for Alzheimer's research, as a lasting memorial to his father, who died of the disease. But also resolve to show as much compassion toward all people in need as he does toward Alzheimer's victims.
Ronda Storms, Hillsborough County commissioner Intensify public-access cable research by subscribing to eight more porn channels.
Judy Genshaft, USF presidentRefuse pay raise in solidarity with faculty and staff, who got itty bitty pay raises, and students, whose tuition is rising — and on the grounds that she has failed to think independently and to protect one of the most fundamental values of a university: the right of the faculty to free speech. Steven 'I'm-not-a-slumlord" Green, low-income housing landlordLook up the word "compassion" in the dictionary. Give free bedrooms in his mansion to all the people he's put on the street.
Bob Graham, Democratic SenatorGive the Democrats some backbone. Run for president.
Don Connolly, real estate opportunistBuy easement next to hell, for future personal use.
Warren Sapp, defensive tackle for Tampa Bay BuccaneersBreak out of shell. Join Toastmasters. Get script for Paxil.
Jon Gruden, coach of Tampa Bay BuccaneersGet more sleep. Set alarm for 4:26 a.m. every other Tuesday.
Al Austin and Dick Beard, members of the Tampa committee to host the 2004 Republican National ConventionIf Tampa does land the convention, stand up for the First Amendment and make sure demonstrators are allowed to exercise their right to free speech everywhere in public, not just in oxymoronic "free-speech zones."
Sami Al-Arian, USF professor put on paid leave following appearance on the Fox News Channel'sThe O'Reilly Factor. Supporter of Republican Party in 2000.Learn right from left. Avoid former.
Rick Baker, St. Petersburg mayorQuit politics and try out for the Orlando Magic.
Charlie Crist, attorney general-electGet the Cliff's Notes for law school.
Pam Iorio, Hillsborough County elections supervisorSave Tampa from the boys' club: Run for mayor.
Dave Hundley, co-owner, The State TheatreAnswer the State's office phone at least once over the course of the next 12 months. Maybe.
Michael MacDuffie, bartender at New World BreweryHe should nobly admit that yes, in truth, he is, in fact, a hippie, and to finally cultivate a hairstyle that goes with his T-shirts.Hulk Hogan, professional wrestlerAdd chartreuse, mauve and lilac to feather boa collection. Look for panties to match. Run for office.
Tampa local music sceneStop dating your ex's friends and vice versa. There are enough people in one room at any given time who've seen each other naked.
Sport utility vehicle ownersDrive to the neighborhood fast-food joint five times a week, then to five different stores to get the sales price for everything on your grocery list. Go anywhere and everywhere in that trendy gas guzzler, and don't listen to those spoiled air-breathers urging you buy a fuel-efficient midsize or compact car.
John Travolta, actor, aviator and ScientologistAsk L. Ron's ghost for landing strip on top of Fort Harrison Hotel.
Henry Mathis: Former hog farmer who got rid of his pigs because of the new gestation crate amendmentStart drive for amendment to legalize hemp growing. Transform pig farm to hemp farm.
Florida votersRefuse to reelect politicians who don't listen instead of voting in a bunch of constitutional amendments they won't implement any way.
Will Quinlan, singer/ songwriter for Pagan SaintsTo be recognized nationally, preferably in a Style Network fashion segment, as America's leading authority on "breaking in" baseball caps.
Katherine Harris, congresswomanRestore voting rights to the thousands of people disenfranchised back in the 2000 presidential election and give them a free, signed copy of her new book, explaining how she didn't deprive them of their rights.WEEKLY PLANET FOLKBen Eason, president/publisherQuit the publishing game and announce candidacy for Tampa mayor.
Scott Harrell, music criticStart "Rock God 101" class at Baywinds.
Cooper Cruz, events editor Pick a hair length and stick to it.
Taylor Eason, wine columnistMove those 10 free cases of Dom Perignon out of plain view in office and hide all that Bud Light in the fridge.Susan Edwards, editor (1) Stop resisting Jerry Nixon's advances; just let all that pent-up love come flowing out. (2) For God's sake, get some culture.
Art Critic Adrienne M. GolubBranch out of the usual art circle and take in the beauty of velvet Elvises and Precious Moments prints.
Staff Writer Rochelle RenfordCome to terms with our governor and president and embrace your inner Bush.
Eric Snider, associate editor and music punditExplore the benefits of headphone use while listening to atonal piano music at the office. Build a wing onto his house for all those box sets.
Kelli Kwiatkowski, copy editorPut sonorous speaking voice to good use by launching a books-on-tape voiceover career.
Mark Leib, performance critic Learn to love theater with absolutely no socially or morally redeeming value — and no music.
Wade Tatangelo, music criticEndeavor to acquaint himself with music written and recorded after 1977, and not by singer/songwriters.
Diana Peterfreund, Planet food critic and utility infielderTo arrange a timely little "accident" for Events Editor Cooper Cruz, thusly creating a full-time job opening for which she is, conveniently enough, trained and suited.
Fran Gilpin, news editorForget all that nonsense about ethics, accountability and honesty. Put experience investigating greed to good use and embezzle some stuff.
Trevor Aaronson, staff writerCome out of the closet and set an example for other Republicans in hiding.
Julie Garisto, copy editorUse reverse psychology and purposely number every page of the paper incorrectly so that production will finally get them right. Force receptionist to answer the phone: "Hello, Julie's house."
Lance Goldenberg, film criticWatch Booty Call over and over until he gets it.
Sara Kennedy, food editorFind a mouth-watering way to describe the McRib sandwich.
This article appears in Jan 1-7, 2003.