No Secrets

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What's all the fuss about secret eavesdropping on Americans by the Bush administration? Already the National Security Agency has caught people right here in the U.S. of A. trying to destroy our American values.

As proof, here are some never-before-released NSA transcripts:

PHONE INTERCEPT 1

Goss: Kim Jong Il? Peter Goss of the CIA here. How's the weather there in North Korea?

Kim Jong Il: Hey, somebody pause the movie! I was just watching Dr. Strangelove. If you're calling about our nukes, well, you know we have them, we know you know. What we know you don't know is how many and where, you know? Could get real hot for you real fast if you try one of your pre-emptive strikes. Just so you know.

Goss: Yeah, yeah. That's a back-burner issue. Weapons of mass destruction are so 2002. This is 2006, Jong, and what I need is a discreet gulag. Something where I can squeeze the info out of a crazy Afghani goat herder without Amnesty International making a big deal. I saw your ad on gulagsRus.com and thought "Now, Goss, if the CIA can't get any human intel out of North Korea, then Amnesty International's not going to get diddly, either." That's why I called.

Kim: What about your economic embargo?

Goss: Oh, we can get around that, no problem. Under Clinton we gave your country food in exchange for stopping your nuclear program. Didn't work out so well, but hey, that was the Playboy Hillbilly administration. This is the Evangelical Cowboy administration. So we're talking hard American cash to lease one of your, um, re-education facilities. What do you say?

Kim: Oh, not only can you torture freely here, but we'll loan our expertise on brainwashing, too. Ever see Manchurian Candidate? We can do that for you at the right price. A year or two with us and your goat herder will really think he is an Al Qaeda operative. But subconsciously, he will be a CIA puppet. And Mr. Goss, you will hold the strings. At a premium price, of course.

Goss: Jong, sounds like the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

PHONE INTERCEPT 2

Gonzalez: Justice Department hotline, Director Alberto Gonzales speaking. How can I help you?

Hood: Gonzales, this is Gen. Jay Hood at Guantanamo Bay. Now that Gen. Geoffrey Miller is retiring, I need a new mentor. I've got questions about how far my boys can go to extract info from these international terrorists.

Gonzalez: OK, shoot.

Hood: We can do that? I thought we had to hold a tribunal first.

Gonzalez: No, I mean what's your question?

Hood: My boys are getting a little bored down here and, well, I don't know how to put this, but I've been having these thoughts about broom handles and Arab booty. You know, NYPD style.

Gonzalez: Hmm. Just thinking out loud here. Sounds like that falls under the don't ask, don't tell policy. Maybe if you rename it to something like "Security Sweep Number Two." Yeah. That'll work.

Hood: OK, second question. Like I said, the boys are getting bored, and it's not like they can get some R and R in Havana. I was thinking maybe we could doll up the detainees. I've already ordered the wigs, garter belts, dresses, pantyhose and makeup. So, how's a Guantanamo Bay beauty pageant sound?

Gonzalez: Just one thing: Make sure you get the cruelty-free makeup. Wouldn't want PETA all over us because Abdul's eyeliner was tested on little bunnies. Anything else?

Hood: No, that covers it. Thanks.

INTERCEPTED E-MAILS

Date: 1, August, 2003

To: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

From: Gen. Eric Shinseki, then Army chief of staff

Sir, we need 300,000 troops to properly secure Iraq. We cannot secure the borders, nor can we secure the cache of weapons left behind by deserting Iraqi troops, with fewer troops.

Reply: General Shinseki, you're fired.

Date: 1, May, 2003

To: Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

From: Paul Bremer, then U.S. envoy to Iraq

Sec. Rumsfeld, we need 500,000 U.S. troops to secure Iraq.

Reply: Great news. I'll tell W. we can reduce troop strength to 50,000. You're doing a great job, Paul.

Reply to the reply: No, not 50,000. We need 500,000.

Rumsfeld response: Oh. You're fired.

Date: 13 August, 2005

To: Sec. of Def.

From: Gen. John Abizaid, U.S. Central Command

Sir, we need armor for the Humvees. We've lost too many soldiers to roadside bombs. We also need better body armor for the troops.

Reply: Abizaid, you're lucky I've run out of pink slips. Has your staff filled out the required acquisition forms? I don't think so. Put in your request when all the other paperwork is done.

Date: August 14, 2005

To: Donald Rumsfeld

From: Dick Cheney

Donny, my friends over at Halliburton called and said their private contractors in Iraq need new radios, armored SUVs, flak jackets and helmets. They want to expedite the process and I told them you'd take care of it.

Reply: No problem, VP. Tell them to buy whatever they need right away and send me the bill. Nothing's too good for the men and women of Halliburton.

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