Editor's note: CL was able to obtain an exclusive copy of a secret Republican Party briefing on its 2008 election strategy, which we reprint below:
Memorandum
April 30, 2008
From: GOP strategy brain trust
To: Republican campaigns and elected officials
Re: Wedge Issue Management Plan (WIMP)
We're very happy to see this election year progress as we trot out our WIMP agenda. This interim report should bring you up to speed on the many fronts on which we are working to both mollify our social and fiscal conservative bases and scare the bejeezus out of the moderate voters on other key issues that will force them to flee from the (ugggh) Democrats who managed to beat us out of nine seats in the Legislature in 2006.
We're turning that trend around by going back to basics with these time-honored issues for this year's campaigns, paired with our suggestions for what are sure to be this election year's hottest commodities: WIMP-approved specialty license plates. Order yours now!
Ultrasound thinking
We are very pleased to see how, even though the number of bills filed concerning abortion in the Legislature this year are at the second-lowest level in the past five years, we have managed to get more publicity for this top-tier WIMP issue. Major props to Rep. Trey Traviesa of Tampa, who for the second year is successfully flogging his "get an ultrasound before you get an abortion" bill (HB 257), which has already passed in the House! That ought to keep this issue alive in front of liberal editorial writers and activist judges.
(And along those lines, the guys in research remind me that our use of the invective "activist judges" is off by 17 percent this year. Let's get that number up in Q2.)
Go with gay
We're still amazed at how well the gay marriage issue is cutting for us. And the beauty is, of course, that we already outlawed gay marriage, thanks to former House Speaker Johnny Byrd back in 1997 with his Defense of Marriage Act. (A tip of the GOP lid to Speaker Byrd!)
We continue to have it both ways with this delicate issue (delicate because of Our Governor's desire not to be seen as gay-bashing), and here's how we did it: We financially supported the petition drive to put this on the ballot and drive our Christian Conservative supporters to the polls in November; then Our Party Chairman lauded the pro-white-Christian-heterosexual group behind the drive when its amendment was approved for the ballot (in case you missed it, Chairman Greer said, "Today is a great day for Florida"). But — and here's the beauty part — we can tell pesky reporters and liberal symps that we aren't financially supporting the campaign since we have decided not to donate any more money to it.
Of course, since the entire anti-gay marriage movement will depend on the power of grassroots religious leaders and anti-gay groups that have their own endless resources, it is a moot point that we're not giving Amendment 2 any of our own cash. We're relying on our sheep — aka our "values voters" — to do exactly what we tell them to, while those gay-lovin' liberals will get so twisted up in bashing each other that they'll forget to get out the vote. Then, presto! The amendment will pass, just like it has in 26 other states.
On related fronts, we are aggressively activating anti-gay groups and local officials to blast away at the continuing moral decay of our nation. Their mission: attack anything even remotely related to homosexuals.
In the Tampa Bay area, for instance, our ally David Caton has pushed his virulently anti-gay attitudes into the public eye (David, you da man!!) by attacking the city of Tampa's domestic partnership benefits. While those insurance and other health benefits can be used by unmarried heterosexual couples as well as homosexuals, we don't approve of either of those kinds of living arrangements, so this is actually a two-fer! Our master schedule shows that Caton's group should be suing the city soon, promising us a solid set of headlines through Election Day to whip up our Christian Coalition voters.
On top of that, our own favorite former pro-wrestler-turned-county-commissioner Brian Blair floated a great story that put him in opposition to the pro-gay "Day of Silence" in public schools. The idea of students peacefully protesting for less violence turns his stomach, as it does ours. As we know (because we heard it from our good ally the Rev. Donald Wildmon), the so-called "Day of Silence" is actually a Day of Note-Passing, during which students will slip each other notes describing unmentionable sex acts they want to try with their teachers.
We didn't hit quite the home run in Pinellas County, where a few county commissioners who must be RINOs (Republicans In Name Only) voted to give special rights to gays. We managed to salvage a minor victory when we kept the "transgendered" out of the special rights ordinance, and extra props go to Commissioner Calvin Harris for his widely quoted comment: "I don't even know what a transgender is." (Even if he IS a Democrat.)
That's exactly the lack of awareness we'd like to encourage in all of our politicians!
Go Nutz
Another tip of the WIMP lid, this one for Sen. Carey Baker of Eustis, who wins our award for the best "out of the box" thinking. He livened up an otherwise mundane transportation bill (SB 1992) by adding this language:
"Whoever willfully displays on a vehicle an image or device of reproductive glands, commits a noncriminal traffic violation, punishable as a moving violation as provided in chapter 318, Florida Statutes."
Yes, that's right, Sen. Baker is taking on Truck Nutz! You know, those little rubber sets of bull-balls hanging from truck bumpers all over the Panhandle? Genius, effing genius. He got ink in every major newspaper in the state and half the damned blogs across the nation, and our social conservatives are ecstatic about it.
(Never mind that some of us here at GOP Central, including former Senate President Jim King, currently or previously have sported a pair of these funny-as-all-heck ornaments.)
Now, can we get a volunteer to file a last-minute bill banning those decals of the little kid peeing on everything? Anyone?
Along these lines, however, we are saddened to inform you we had to fire our researcher in the Public Decency Division after he missed a golden opportunity for us to prohibit no-good youths (particularly minorities) from wearing their jeans so low that their boxers show. We apologize to all you faithful Republicans for allowing a Democrat to file that legislation, and we promise it will never happen again.
Go with God
I'm blessfully proud to tell you that we are on track to becoming the first state in the nation to sanction a specialty license plate for a religion, or should I say, THE religion. A bill for the new "I believe" license plate is moving nicely, featuring the cross upon which they crucified Our Lord and a beautiful stained glass window. (I can't tell you how much fun we had in the office designing the "official Muslim" license plate or how many of us do a really good hand-drawing of the World Trade Center towers.)
And here's the best part: Those communists at the ACLU are already itching for a court fight on this! With their usual canard about "separation of church and state," blah blah blah. (Note to legal: Can we get the trial scheduled for the week before the election?)
Border patrol
Yeah, we know, immigration isn't as good an issue as it used to be for free media, but it is still gold out there in public — polling shows two-thirds of the state wants stronger immigration enforcement. Toward that end, we saw a flurry of good anti-immigration and anti-illegal immigrant bills: 11 of 'em!
Our fave around the Issues Shop is the one from Rep. Don Brown of DeFuniak Springs, HB 73. It would make our allies in the police departments and sheriff's offices report people's immigration status, hamper all immigrants from getting driver licenses, require employers to verify the immigration status of newly hired employees and increase the criminal penalties for bringing illegals onto our white-sand shores.
We modeled this bill after one adopted in Oklahoma that has sent illegals fleeing the state as a result! (Note to the boys in Economic Development Issues: The Oklahoma economy took a big hit after this bill was passed, what with all the cheap labor going missing, so we should have a backup plan. Maybe another giveaway to one of our big corporate donors? Just thinking out loud here.)
Oh, and don't let it bother you that Rep. Brown's bill seemed bogged down in committees and unlikely to pass. Our supporters got the message anyway.
This article appears in Apr 30 – May 6, 2008.