Oracle Of Ybor: I asked my boss to stop using my deadname, but he keeps doing it

Dear Oracle,

I came out as genderqueer/NB 14 years ago. I legally changed my name 10 years ago. I started working for my boss (white, straight boomer man) six years ago. He has NEVER known me by my deadname but knows it because we once discussed a very famous artist, and I mentioned that my parents had named me after them. Every once in a while, he’ll use my deadname in an email or text, and I have told him how shitty it makes me feel and to please not. But he keeps doing it! We work in a VERY niche industry, and I am paid exceptionally well for a job I genuinely love, and I do see him reading books about understanding Trans lives, so, IDK, I guess he’s trying? But every time he deadnames me, I feel like I’m sucker punched. What do I do with this boomer?—Say my (correct) name

Cards: Five of Wands, Ten of Swords (reversed), Knight of Wands, Page of Swords (reversed)

Dear Name,

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. If your boss had met you when you were going by your deadname, I could see that he might be making an honest mistake, especially since it doesn’t seem to happen all the time.

But he didn’t! It’s fucking weird that he uses it and even weirder to me that he only uses it while writing. (Like, he has to LOOK at that wrong name in print.)

It is hard to know if he’s doing so to be aggressive or if he thinks it puts him in a secret little club with you. With the Ten of Swords, he is cutting you down, either from fear, transphobia, or general ignorance. You have told him not to use it, so it’s hard to imagine that he doesn’t know the effect it has on you. But, he may be the bold, brash, and butt-headed Page of Swords, who acts without thinking and fancies themselves “an intellectual” and someone who prizes “freedom.”

As the Knight of Wands, you are more conscious than he is—though you also have more to lose. The Five of Wands is an unpassable conflict, and as the Knight of Wands, you could be the one to bridge the divide. That might look like giving him more books to read (which he seems open to) or guiding him with a more firm hand to the conclusion that he needs to cut that shit out.

You mentioned you love your job, and it’s a small industry, so I don’t know what quitting would look like for you. It is an option, even if it’s far less than ideal.

Both options—quit or try to educate the motherfuck —are going to cause you strain and sorrow. What you have to decide is which pain you want to tolerate. As the Knight of Wands, the battle is in your court. If you want to bridge this, you can. You just have to decide if this battle is worth the fight and pain that comes with it.

Dear Oracle,

I am bisexual and have known for years. I have come out to my partner and friends but not my parents. I’m in a long-term straight-passing relationship, so it feels almost moot. But should I still come out to them?—Half of the closet

Cards: Nine of Pentacles (reversed), Last Quarter, The Lovers (reversed), The Full Moon

Dear Half,

This is an interesting question with interesting cards because you ask if you “should” come out but make no mention of if you want to.

With the Nine of Pentacles and The Lovers reversed, I’d say that you’ve spent many years growing to understand yourself, to love yourself, and to both feel and intellectualize your identity. In short, you know who you are. You know the full picture. The question is now: Do you want your parents to know it, too?

Some members of the Queer community believe in the Harvey Milk approach, the “come out, come out wherever you are.” Others feel like it should be on a case-by-case basis (for example, yes to friends and family and no to your boss). I think it can feel like a profound gift to truly know someone and to have them know you, but not everyone is deserving of that present.

The two moon cards in my deck (Uusi’s Pagan Otherworlds) offer a complex picture. With the clarity and releasing energy of the Full Moon, I’d suggest examining why you haven’t come out to your parents yet. Is it fear? Internalized biphobia? It just never came up? Can those blockages be released?

In a way, it doesn’t matter if you come out to them or not. You know who you are, and accept and love yourself. But the Last Quarter card is also about letting fate take you to unexpected places and connecting to something bigger. This could mean that by coming out to your parents, they will know a deeper part of you and lead to a deeper connection.

Or.

It might not have anything to do with them. You mention that it may be a “moot point” since you’re in a “straight passing relationship,” which makes me wonder if you have any connection to a queer community. This card could be about connecting to a community and feeling a part of it. Just because strangers might mistake you for straight doesn’t mean you are, and that self-love may deepen if you get to be around more people like you.

Regardless of your decision, I hope you feel like you get to live authentically. Whatever blockages need to be released, whatever path this moon sends you down, I hope your love for yourself grows, and you do find connection someway, somehow in this wild world.

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